so i've been looking for a church since august... i've decided that it's one of my least favorite things to do... at first, i was totally excited... i'd get a chance to visit a lot of different types of churches and could have a bit of freedom in where i might go from week to week... after about a month or two, i hated it... i missed having a group of people that knew me, loved me, encouraged and challenged me...
the reason i left the church i was going to is because i felt like God was calling me to be a part of youth ministry and there was "no room in the inn... or the stable..." i could help out with children's or college ministry, but at that point, they didn't really need any help with the youth group... so to be faithful to what i felt like God was calling me to do, i knew i needed to look for a different church...
i visited a lot of different churches... and got really frustrated... i am a seminary student wanting to do volunteer youth ministry... and i hadn't found a place where i fit...
on top of all of that, i am taking a class next semester - ministry practicum - 10 hours of supervised ministry a week... well, in order to do that, i need a place to do ministry. so for the last month, it's gotten worse... feeling like there is no place for me in youth ministry in the area... i've had plenty of "offers" from churches in seattle or in other places in oregon, but my job is in vancouver... my career, at that... plus a free place to live right now...
here's a piece of my heart - this is my dream/vision... (that i feel like God gave me - even though i was starting to give up on it and have big doubts)
i desire to work as a volunteer youth worker - not the youth minister, necessarily, while working a full-time job... in the next five to ten years, i have a dream to start/help out with/watch come into existence - a youth/community/sports outreach - high 5 ministries... with a huge multi-purpose center where youth could do drama, sports, music, art, with video games, ping pong, pool tables, with a computer lab - you name it... all there... and at the same time being very upfront about the gospel... and the whole time this is going on, i'd still be working at my full-time job, volunteering with that same youth group...
so a few weeks ago, this man i know came into my office... i think he's my personal prophet... (that's probably heretical, but it will make sense in a minute) - one thing to understand is that i'm not necessarily friends with this man - he's the metro bcm director in the area and i know him, have had discussions with him (thought about being on the bcm team this year, but God had other plans) - but usually when we see each other, it's a mere, "hi-how-are-you-doing-fine-thanks" kind of dialog... anyway - he walks into my office and says, "robyn, where are you going to church?" it caught me a bit off guard, so i just said, "yes..." - i do that a lot, when people ask me a question that i either a) don't have an answer for, b) don't like the answer for or c) it's a either or question and i like both answers and can't decide between the two... there are probably other instances...
anyway - i say, "yes..." - and go on to say i'm going to different churches and still searching for one... and he asks me if i know this man that i've met a time or two and then tells me to call him... so he gives me the number, i call him up... and well, it was kind of an answer to prayer on both sides... and when i say kind of, i mean really...
his (and his wife, and their church's) heart is for ministry, missions... they want to have a sports clinic (outreach) this summer - and want to start taking international mission trips... they're community based and are needing someone to work with the youth... right now, there are 3 girls on a regular basis, but they've had up to 10 on a sunday morning... but the church is only 2 months old... i went to lunch with rob and lori last week and it was incredible... it was just really refreshing - because our ideas are a lot the same...
and there's a big young life program at the middle school... one of the couples that helps lead young life goes to their church and their heart is for outreach, and mine (with the youth group at church) is more about discipleship... i'm all about outreach, but at church, discipleship is way important to me...
so i went to church there on sunday - taught the youth class... met heidi and kevin (the young life folks)... and had an incredible time... rob came by and saw me at work on monday - i thought things went well on sunday, but it's kind of hard to read youth reactions - especially since i had just met them... but his daughter is one of the youth - and she went home on sunday and asked rob if i was going to come back and said that she really wanted me to...
so i think i'm a youth minister now... i can do my supervised ministry there - rob has the qualifications that are needed in a supervisor for me - and i pretty much have my support group in place (something else i need for that class) - and with that class in place - and the class i'm taking in san francisco in a couple of weeks - and two other classes next semester, i'll graduate with my master's degree of arts in theological studies... so yea!!
i will stay living where i am for right now - the church is about 20 minutes away, which is not a big deal, but when i move, which will be fairly soon, i'll move more north to be closer... i'm going to be involved with as much young life stuff as i can and then i'll teach on sunday mornings each week, if i'm not out of town... and i'll help coordinate youth events - and probably get to go on at least one trip this summer... :) - i love youth camps and youth mission trips...
oh - the church is tri-mountain community church in ridgefield, washington... and it meets in a pizza parlor (and the youth meet in the coffee shop in the same shopping center)...
i think i've covered everything about it... i'm totally excited about what God is going to do with it...
but for now, i'm getting out of my office... i don't have to be back until monday... yippee!!!
Dec 30, 2004
new year's day...
new years is my least favorite holiday... i like the idea of it... getting to start over... new beginnings... but i never really like the celebration part of it... i was thinking about it today and thinking about the last several new year's eve events... i never really have fun on new year's eve, but when i was a kid, i thought it was going to be the greatest thing when i got older... one huge party... well, it hasn't proven to be that way in my life...
it all went downhill in 1998... i threw a new year's eve party at my dad's house... my senior year of high school... i invited a lot of my friends and we were going to play games and watch movies - i bought a ton of food to make snacks... everything was a disaster... the food was all bad - i bought generic brands of velveeta and rotel - life lesson learned... sometimes one of them will be okay generic, but both combined is not a good choice!!! i burned the cake, my friend marie got so mad at me (weird story involving a german exchange student... :) - i love you marie!) and it really just wasn't any fun - for anyone, i don't think...
1999 - honestly i can't remember what i did for new years... i'm thinking was hanging out with friends - but i can't remember at all...
2000 - the big one, right? courtney - a friend from college and i hung out at my apartment - pulled out the hide-a-bed on the sofa and watched sister act followed by sister act 2... i have no idea... at about 12:15, we realized what time it was, opened the front door, realized the world hadn't come to an end, shut the door and finished sister act 2.
2001 - was in texas at marie and jon's house... the only time i've ever been dating someone at new years - realized he was a jerk that night - we broke up two days later...
2002 - i went to dallas (back to back texas new year's... hmmm...) for a bowl game (cotton bowl?) - well, i didn't really go to the game - i went because my friends had tickets, so those of us that decided to go on the trip without the game - we hung out at the mall, but for new year's eve we ended up at a bowling alley where they offered everyone over 21 free champagne... we kind of had fun, but it's not my favorite memory - and then the next couple of days were horrible and i got into a huge fight with some of my closest friends - i don't think i've ever gotten so mad... whoa...
2003 - i was in china and we went to a chinese outdoor school party... crazy - fireworks right over my head... it was kind of more like a talent show with fireworks and people just standing around... and then we went back to one of my teammate's apartment and watched movies but fell asleep...
2004 - i went to a party at nicky's house - nicky was my sunday school teacher (kind of) when i moved to vancouver - and she has a son in college and a son in high school... the crowd was a lot of college students who were a lot younger than me - random people... i think we left early... or right after 12... it felt a lot like jr. high...
2005 - no idea what's in store... i may try to talk my friend jeff into having a movie marathon with me - but he has to leave early for california the next day... so he may say no... i got invited to a party, but i have a bad attitude going into new year's already and i don't know the people all that well... i just don't think i'm going to have fun... at least, hanging out with jeff, i know it'll be normal... and at least i'll feel like myself...
blah... i think i'm going to post a different entry - but i felt like giving my recent new years history - just in case i make a reference to new years in the next few posts...
hope your new year's celebration is fun and not stupid.
it all went downhill in 1998... i threw a new year's eve party at my dad's house... my senior year of high school... i invited a lot of my friends and we were going to play games and watch movies - i bought a ton of food to make snacks... everything was a disaster... the food was all bad - i bought generic brands of velveeta and rotel - life lesson learned... sometimes one of them will be okay generic, but both combined is not a good choice!!! i burned the cake, my friend marie got so mad at me (weird story involving a german exchange student... :) - i love you marie!) and it really just wasn't any fun - for anyone, i don't think...
1999 - honestly i can't remember what i did for new years... i'm thinking was hanging out with friends - but i can't remember at all...
2000 - the big one, right? courtney - a friend from college and i hung out at my apartment - pulled out the hide-a-bed on the sofa and watched sister act followed by sister act 2... i have no idea... at about 12:15, we realized what time it was, opened the front door, realized the world hadn't come to an end, shut the door and finished sister act 2.
2001 - was in texas at marie and jon's house... the only time i've ever been dating someone at new years - realized he was a jerk that night - we broke up two days later...
2002 - i went to dallas (back to back texas new year's... hmmm...) for a bowl game (cotton bowl?) - well, i didn't really go to the game - i went because my friends had tickets, so those of us that decided to go on the trip without the game - we hung out at the mall, but for new year's eve we ended up at a bowling alley where they offered everyone over 21 free champagne... we kind of had fun, but it's not my favorite memory - and then the next couple of days were horrible and i got into a huge fight with some of my closest friends - i don't think i've ever gotten so mad... whoa...
2003 - i was in china and we went to a chinese outdoor school party... crazy - fireworks right over my head... it was kind of more like a talent show with fireworks and people just standing around... and then we went back to one of my teammate's apartment and watched movies but fell asleep...
2004 - i went to a party at nicky's house - nicky was my sunday school teacher (kind of) when i moved to vancouver - and she has a son in college and a son in high school... the crowd was a lot of college students who were a lot younger than me - random people... i think we left early... or right after 12... it felt a lot like jr. high...
2005 - no idea what's in store... i may try to talk my friend jeff into having a movie marathon with me - but he has to leave early for california the next day... so he may say no... i got invited to a party, but i have a bad attitude going into new year's already and i don't know the people all that well... i just don't think i'm going to have fun... at least, hanging out with jeff, i know it'll be normal... and at least i'll feel like myself...
blah... i think i'm going to post a different entry - but i felt like giving my recent new years history - just in case i make a reference to new years in the next few posts...
hope your new year's celebration is fun and not stupid.
Dec 27, 2004
BORED!!!
so it seems like everyone in my office is gone... there are about 40 people that work where i work and today i've seen 6 other people - total... and only one works in my part of the office and he came in really late and has tons of stuff to do... i, on the other hand, have nothing to do...
one of the secretaries came back and i said something about not really having anything to do, and she suggested that i read a computer book... no thanks... i've kind of been playing with some old graphics - but most of the stuff is on hold for me - i'm waiting to hear back from someone about changes or the people that i need to approve designs by aren't in the office...
and the ultimate source of frustration is that in about a week, i have to start the design of a 250-page book... The 2004 annual of the Northwest Baptist Convention... but today, i don't have any of the information for it... (the lady who does is on vacation this week) and i can't find out where the stuff is saved from last year... so, i know this huge project is lurking around the corner, but i can't do anything about it today... i've looked through the book and looked through files on the computer... but i don't have any of the info for this year's book...
my j-term class "starts" today, and i'm supposed to go into the class to get information for the week, but the class isn't open on the website yet, so i can't even do that...
i don't know... it makes me feel tired...
random movie quote of the day - 500 points:
i once thought i had mono for an entire year... it turned out i was just really bored.
but it's lunch time... so i get a good hour to not have to find other random things to do to look busy...
one of the secretaries came back and i said something about not really having anything to do, and she suggested that i read a computer book... no thanks... i've kind of been playing with some old graphics - but most of the stuff is on hold for me - i'm waiting to hear back from someone about changes or the people that i need to approve designs by aren't in the office...
and the ultimate source of frustration is that in about a week, i have to start the design of a 250-page book... The 2004 annual of the Northwest Baptist Convention... but today, i don't have any of the information for it... (the lady who does is on vacation this week) and i can't find out where the stuff is saved from last year... so, i know this huge project is lurking around the corner, but i can't do anything about it today... i've looked through the book and looked through files on the computer... but i don't have any of the info for this year's book...
my j-term class "starts" today, and i'm supposed to go into the class to get information for the week, but the class isn't open on the website yet, so i can't even do that...
i don't know... it makes me feel tired...
random movie quote of the day - 500 points:
i once thought i had mono for an entire year... it turned out i was just really bored.
but it's lunch time... so i get a good hour to not have to find other random things to do to look busy...
Dec 26, 2004
boxing day...
wow... christmas came and went... i'm exhausted... but instead of starting my nap right now, i'm taking a moment to write a few things...
my mom and brother left last week... it was a good visit... probably a bit of culture shock for them on some levels... life should have returned to "normal" after they left - but christmas set in...
christmas was great... i spent christmas eve/day with the family i've been living with for several months... and it was fun... which is normal - i usually have fun with the family... they all really loved their gifts (re: old blog entry) - and i walked away from the experience with a new appreciation for family, the holidays and well, Jesus.
the dad asked, as we were about to pray before dinner, if anyone would rather have all that they got that day instead of Jesus... of course, we all said no... there is nothing greater than our relationships with Jesus... but to make that declaration is different than just thinking or knowing it...
so last night as i was driving back to the house where i've been housesitting, i pulled out my james taylor christmas cd - and there's a song on it that i've never really listened to before... i know it's old - but it totally has new meaning for me this year...
In the Bleak Midwinter
In the bleak midwinter,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.
Our God, heaven cannot hold Him,
nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
when He comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter
a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
Angels and archangels
may have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
thronged the air;
But His mother only,
in her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.
What can I give Him,
poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd,
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man,
I would do my part;
Yet what I can give Him: give my heart.
so as i'm looking to the new year, as many are, i am trying to figure out how to fully give my heart every day to the only one who is worthy... and as i journey this year, i pray that i begin to live the life of the beloved and fully embrace each day with new hope because of God's faithfulness... i'm sure to fail often, if not every day... but there's this great line in a switchfoot song, "maybe redemption has stories to tell... maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."
as i journey this year, and make mistakes and have successes, i pray that my entire focus is on my Abba... one more song (today it's songs and not movies...)
Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.
Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice.
And I will praise you Lord
And I will sing of love come down
And as you show your face
We'll see your glory here.
my mom and brother left last week... it was a good visit... probably a bit of culture shock for them on some levels... life should have returned to "normal" after they left - but christmas set in...
christmas was great... i spent christmas eve/day with the family i've been living with for several months... and it was fun... which is normal - i usually have fun with the family... they all really loved their gifts (re: old blog entry) - and i walked away from the experience with a new appreciation for family, the holidays and well, Jesus.
the dad asked, as we were about to pray before dinner, if anyone would rather have all that they got that day instead of Jesus... of course, we all said no... there is nothing greater than our relationships with Jesus... but to make that declaration is different than just thinking or knowing it...
so last night as i was driving back to the house where i've been housesitting, i pulled out my james taylor christmas cd - and there's a song on it that i've never really listened to before... i know it's old - but it totally has new meaning for me this year...
In the Bleak Midwinter
In the bleak midwinter,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.
Our God, heaven cannot hold Him,
nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
when He comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter
a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
Angels and archangels
may have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
thronged the air;
But His mother only,
in her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.
What can I give Him,
poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd,
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man,
I would do my part;
Yet what I can give Him: give my heart.
so as i'm looking to the new year, as many are, i am trying to figure out how to fully give my heart every day to the only one who is worthy... and as i journey this year, i pray that i begin to live the life of the beloved and fully embrace each day with new hope because of God's faithfulness... i'm sure to fail often, if not every day... but there's this great line in a switchfoot song, "maybe redemption has stories to tell... maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."
as i journey this year, and make mistakes and have successes, i pray that my entire focus is on my Abba... one more song (today it's songs and not movies...)
Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.
Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice.
And I will praise you Lord
And I will sing of love come down
And as you show your face
We'll see your glory here.
Dec 16, 2004
family time...
so today my mom and brother got here... they flew many hours across many miles to come visit me before christmas... my life has been kind of (and when i say kind of, i mean really) busy lately with the end of school and the paper going to press on friday... but it's so good to have family here... surreal but nice... (movie quote - 500 points)
after i picked up my mom and brother from the airport, i took them to the hotel and then i had to go back to work. after work, i came back and picked them up and we went out driving around... i took them to see different random things around town... you know... "that" tour... "that is where i used to work... that is my favorite target... oh... there's a starbucks... oh... there's another starbucks... oh... and there's the 24-hour starbucks..." the exciting world of vancouver, wa!
we were going to go to this deli i've been wanting to try out, but it was closed, so we landed at red robin... my favorite...
so we're sitting there... we've finished eating... and all of a sudden i find myself singing to the annoying christmas music... mariah carey singing, "all i want for christmas is you..." sad... i know... but i'm in my own little world singing the words with specific facial expressions, and i glance over, and my brother, in his own little world is singing the words with the same facial expressions... and i thought, "yes... he is my brother..."
and i find comfort in that... i love that a movie quote popped in my head, i blurt it out and he goes crazy because he KNOWS he knows it... and once he figures it out, he feels satisfaction... (yes, i'll post the quote for points at the bottom... just remind me...) i love that his phone rings the theme song for diff'rent strokes and we both know every word... this past weekend i called my brother's cell phone (i just realized today he has cingular and i have at&t and now that they've merged, we can talk all the time... even in the middle of the day for free - unlimited mobile to mobile minutes, baby!) anyway... back to the story... i call his phone on sunday and one of his friends answers and starts harassing me... and i ended up talking to him and then one of his other friends... when they handed the phone to my brother, they said, "she's definitely your sister!" - how cool is that...
or maybe scary...
regardless... i'm really looking forward to hanging out with my mom and brother the next few days... time is precious... they leave to go back to arkansas on tuesday... so i'm going to try and make the absolute most of their trip... my life is not that exciting... so i'm trying to be cool and not boring for them!
but right now i should totally get some sleep... i'm exhausted and the alarm is going to go off pretty early in the morning... followed by a long day of work...
but here's the quote as promised...
"i'm not a police man, i'm a princess."
500 points... even though, since my brother already got it, he technically gets the points... but he never reads my blog (jerk), so he wouldn't get them here... so they're up for grabs!!! and also the 500 from the quote earlier in the post...
and now... well, i'm going to bedfordshire... (and yet, another quote... 500 more points...)
after i picked up my mom and brother from the airport, i took them to the hotel and then i had to go back to work. after work, i came back and picked them up and we went out driving around... i took them to see different random things around town... you know... "that" tour... "that is where i used to work... that is my favorite target... oh... there's a starbucks... oh... there's another starbucks... oh... and there's the 24-hour starbucks..." the exciting world of vancouver, wa!
we were going to go to this deli i've been wanting to try out, but it was closed, so we landed at red robin... my favorite...
so we're sitting there... we've finished eating... and all of a sudden i find myself singing to the annoying christmas music... mariah carey singing, "all i want for christmas is you..." sad... i know... but i'm in my own little world singing the words with specific facial expressions, and i glance over, and my brother, in his own little world is singing the words with the same facial expressions... and i thought, "yes... he is my brother..."
and i find comfort in that... i love that a movie quote popped in my head, i blurt it out and he goes crazy because he KNOWS he knows it... and once he figures it out, he feels satisfaction... (yes, i'll post the quote for points at the bottom... just remind me...) i love that his phone rings the theme song for diff'rent strokes and we both know every word... this past weekend i called my brother's cell phone (i just realized today he has cingular and i have at&t and now that they've merged, we can talk all the time... even in the middle of the day for free - unlimited mobile to mobile minutes, baby!) anyway... back to the story... i call his phone on sunday and one of his friends answers and starts harassing me... and i ended up talking to him and then one of his other friends... when they handed the phone to my brother, they said, "she's definitely your sister!" - how cool is that...
or maybe scary...
regardless... i'm really looking forward to hanging out with my mom and brother the next few days... time is precious... they leave to go back to arkansas on tuesday... so i'm going to try and make the absolute most of their trip... my life is not that exciting... so i'm trying to be cool and not boring for them!
but right now i should totally get some sleep... i'm exhausted and the alarm is going to go off pretty early in the morning... followed by a long day of work...
but here's the quote as promised...
"i'm not a police man, i'm a princess."
500 points... even though, since my brother already got it, he technically gets the points... but he never reads my blog (jerk), so he wouldn't get them here... so they're up for grabs!!! and also the 500 from the quote earlier in the post...
and now... well, i'm going to bedfordshire... (and yet, another quote... 500 more points...)
Dec 8, 2004
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead...
i heard this line this morning... i've heard the song at least a dozen times, if not a hundred... but i heard the line today... (switchfoot: this is your life)
yes, the after-effects of yesterday may stick with me for a little while... maybe forever... but ultimately, it's over - it's gone... so what do i do with today? how should i live today? what should my relationships look like? how can i change my life today? (and not wait until tomorrow)
yes, i'm hearing a movie quote in my head... the voices...
"They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."
i must choose to seize every moment for more than it's worth... i am so reminded of cynthia who used to say to us, "embrace" - i feel like i should be death-gripping every second of life and not letting it pass by without me draining it of it's energy, juice, LIFE... am i doing that? is anyone doing that? how do we do that?
more randomness of the day:
*****
Hey, Hey
Did you ever thinkThere might be another way
To just feel better,Just feel better about today
Oh no-If you never want to have
To turn and go awayYou might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay
Pre-chorus
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in?
Chorus
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...
Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
O'er the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow
Pre-chorus/chorus
Hey hey- what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway
Pre-chorus/chorus
*****
i'm sure there are a million songs, movies, books, you name it on this subject... i don't know why i choose the things i do - switchfoot, dead poets society and sister hazel... what are you gonna do? (i don't know... what are you gonna do?)
so i haven't got it all figured out - but for now, rather than sitting in front of this computer any longer, i'm going to go home... live a little before today becomes tomorrow's wrinkle on my forehead...
"this is your life... are you who you want to be, is it everything you've dreamed it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose... don't close your eyes..."
yes, the after-effects of yesterday may stick with me for a little while... maybe forever... but ultimately, it's over - it's gone... so what do i do with today? how should i live today? what should my relationships look like? how can i change my life today? (and not wait until tomorrow)
yes, i'm hearing a movie quote in my head... the voices...
"They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."
i must choose to seize every moment for more than it's worth... i am so reminded of cynthia who used to say to us, "embrace" - i feel like i should be death-gripping every second of life and not letting it pass by without me draining it of it's energy, juice, LIFE... am i doing that? is anyone doing that? how do we do that?
more randomness of the day:
*****
Hey, Hey
Did you ever thinkThere might be another way
To just feel better,Just feel better about today
Oh no-If you never want to have
To turn and go awayYou might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay
Pre-chorus
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in?
Chorus
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...
Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
O'er the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow
Pre-chorus/chorus
Hey hey- what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway
Pre-chorus/chorus
*****
i'm sure there are a million songs, movies, books, you name it on this subject... i don't know why i choose the things i do - switchfoot, dead poets society and sister hazel... what are you gonna do? (i don't know... what are you gonna do?)
so i haven't got it all figured out - but for now, rather than sitting in front of this computer any longer, i'm going to go home... live a little before today becomes tomorrow's wrinkle on my forehead...
"this is your life... are you who you want to be, is it everything you've dreamed it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose... don't close your eyes..."
Dec 6, 2004
how does that make you feel?
Tonight i'm struggling... and since i have this great power to send things out into the great void, i'm choosing to do so... i feel the need to vent but don't want to bother anyone around me, as most of the people around me are probably as stressed as i am...
***DISCLAIMER***
what follows could conceivably be perceived as whining... if you don't want to read it, don't... but don't say i didn't warn you when you've finished it and you're bitter at me for making you suffer through it with me... but tonight, i need to get a few things off my chest... and if you're willing... if you want to walk this journey with me... feel free to enter my thoughts - and find out how it makes me feel... whatever "it" is...
***END OF DISCLAIMER***
here's what's going on the school-front... it's crunch time... i found out today that one of the papers that i thought was due next week is actually due tomorrow... good times... so here's what i have left to do...
Pastoral Counseling
Group project - due next week (12/13) - have my partner and i started? heck no... but it's due next week - low priority
Completed Workbook - also due next week - started? yes - half-way done, but it takes a long time!
Final - take home - paper - 10-12 pages - due next week... started? no...
Ministry Leadership
Leader Interview - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by thursday
Book Review - due - last week - started? sort of - will try to finish by friday
Leadership "thoughts" - in lieu of a final - due next week - 5 pages - started? no... ideas? yes
Preaching
Book Review - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by saturday
filing system - due - next week... started? yes - file folders made - just need to stuff them with info
class insights - due - next week - started? no...
Christian History
Final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no... scared to death of not passing the class? yes...
Theology -
final project - due last week... started? yes... (short amounts to go) will finish tomorrow... personal credo - 10-12 pages... started? no... due... tomorrow... will get it done tomorrow
final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no...
whew... tired just typing it... i understand that this is mostly my fault - the procrastination... the madness... i can offer no excuses because excuses, in general, suck...
at the same time... i'm not motivated to get it done... i'm so ready for it to be over, but i am having a hard time getting started on so much of it... and i constantly think - if i can just get through tomorrow, i'll be okay! i just want to get through the next 8 days!!!
at the same time, i want to enjoy the last few days of school... i so treasure time spent with classmates in this building... i love the conversations - the deep sharing that can take place... i hate it when no one is here and i don't want the semester to end! (for the social stuff)
okay - the final word on school is that i'm tired - i'm feeling vulnerable because there is so much on the line and i'm worried about getting it all done... yet i feel the need to vent, thus, creating my "time" to blog right this second... i need to not be thinking and "doing" school for a little bit...
on the personal-front... i'm lonely... i live in a house with 8 people - and a million animals... if there is anyone who shouldn't feel lonely, it's me... i love being at home and being around the family... they bring incredible joy into my life and for that i'm extremely thankful... so why do i feel alone? i want to experience the rest that comes from being with someone - that presence of someone who i can be "me" around and feel comfortable and safe and loved... yes, i should and do feel that in my Daddy... i desire to feel that with a human being... a partner, a companion... the closeness and intimacy of a best friend mixed with the struggles and hurt associated with being vulnerable along with the crazy quirks that a personality brings rolled into a package of someone who is a perfect fit. don't get me wrong - i'm not looking for mr. perfect... i'm not looking for the perfect man... i'm not looking at all, if you want to get technical about it... but i'm waiting, dreaming, hoping of the perfect fit... the right complement to me... as screwed up and weird as i am... (yes, m.a., i'm a weird, weird child!) and i'm waiting to be presented to him... which is another long story that i won't go into today...
here's what i hate - the stupid christian stigma that says that i'm not "okay" because i'm not married... christian single women must be one of 4 things... (and let me say - 2ND DISCLAIMER - i don't know really anyone who fits into these categories - it's mostly my rantings and ravings - about how i feel single christian girls are stereotyped - and probably in my own mind... and maybe how i feel i've been stereotyped... my aim is not to offend... it's mostly my frustrations...)
1) sinful and not in a right relationship with God, because EVERYONE knows that once one is satisfied in God alone, He brings his/her mate IMMEDIATELY...
2) called to the foreign mission field, ready to sacrifice having a husband... she's so spiritual she doesn't even desire a husband...
3) "that girl" - that weird-psycho-overly-clingy-girl-who-probably-went-to-bible-college-and-everyone-knows-why-she's-single-by-looking-at-her...
4) a femi-nazi
there are probably more, but those are the ones coming to my mind... i especially hate #1... that is exactly how i feel... and no... i don't want some married woman telling me she knows how hard it is to be single... she is on the other end of things... you haven't been me and you don't know how it feels to be me... (i'm such a whiney-butt...) i just hate that advice... "as soon as you're content in the Lord, He'll give you a mate..." no one ever promised that... that is not a biblical command... and i know PLENTY of content-in-Jesus women who aren't married yet - and it's not because they don't desire to be!!! (i'm getting really fired up and i'm typing really hard, probably making the other people in the computer lab wonder what the heck is going on!!!)
on the other side... i'm so excited about my job - about stuff going on in my life... i'm not sitting around completely unhappy because God hasn't brought my husband... i just felt this way today, specifically, out of nowhere because that happens... it's not a constant state of being!!!
on the seasonal-front... the stupid holiday season doesn't help much with the previous discussion... the holidays scream, "YOU NEED SOMEONE TO BE OKAY!!!" the holidays are meant to share and if you're alone, well, "i guess you'll have to deal with it, won't you?"
maybe it's the weather... isn't a lot better to cuddle up with someone on a cold night than to add another blanket in your lonely bed?
to sum it up, i want someone to take a nap with... to rest... to be... there's a great episode of friends where joey and ross take a nap together and wake up feeling refreshed... the best nap they ever got... while i'm not going to go out and ask people to take a nap with me... that's just what i desire... and preferrably that would be with someone who i want to share my life with (and preferrably male)...
on the friend-front... i have a really good friend who is moving away in a few days... and when i say moving... it's not down the street or to the next town... she's freaking moving across the country to pittsburgh... what the crap? and while i'm TOTALLY excited for what our Daddy has in store for her, i hate that she's moving... she's a normal friend at school who i feel is a kindred spirit - who i can share my guts with and she not only listens, she feels it... she is present with me when i'm sharing my guts and i just know it's not going to be the same over the phone a million miles away - i know what distance generally does to friendships... and i HATE it...
i have another friend who already lives a couple of hours away - but she is moving to the other side of washington, maybe... it would be such a great experience for her, and i'm so thrilled... at the same time... i feel sad, because i know it will weaken our friendship even more... it's already a bit of a stretch because she doesn't live in the same town... but she's another kindred spirit...
so here i am, pouting... whiney... i'm getting left behind... this is where my Daddy has me, but i don't want to feel left behind... i don't want things to change...
and here's another thing i realized today... i feel like my life has mostly been made up of changed mixed with brief seasons of the ordinary, here and there... i'm so tired of change... of having to make new friends (and keep the old... one is silver and the other's gold) and either having the friends i've made leave or me leave them behind... how many friendships have been lost in the shuffle?? i know this is part of life, but i don't have to like it...
amy brought this up... about "lifers" a post she wrote called, "we're all outsiders"... who are my lifers... my friend moving to pittsburgh - i would have thought her to be a lifer... not that she's abandoned me, but i know things change with distance... and she'll be getting married in the next year and that changes things even more... i heard a sermon one time that we have 5 people we can count on - 5 "lifers" if you will - not family - who would drop everything if you asked them to come... i thought, "surely there are more than 5" - but i think there are just 5... who are they???
anyway - i think i'm just rambling at this point... there's tons more i can say, but i'm going to call it a night... if you've journeyed with me through this... thank you... i truly appreciate it!!!
***DISCLAIMER***
what follows could conceivably be perceived as whining... if you don't want to read it, don't... but don't say i didn't warn you when you've finished it and you're bitter at me for making you suffer through it with me... but tonight, i need to get a few things off my chest... and if you're willing... if you want to walk this journey with me... feel free to enter my thoughts - and find out how it makes me feel... whatever "it" is...
***END OF DISCLAIMER***
here's what's going on the school-front... it's crunch time... i found out today that one of the papers that i thought was due next week is actually due tomorrow... good times... so here's what i have left to do...
Pastoral Counseling
Group project - due next week (12/13) - have my partner and i started? heck no... but it's due next week - low priority
Completed Workbook - also due next week - started? yes - half-way done, but it takes a long time!
Final - take home - paper - 10-12 pages - due next week... started? no...
Ministry Leadership
Leader Interview - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by thursday
Book Review - due - last week - started? sort of - will try to finish by friday
Leadership "thoughts" - in lieu of a final - due next week - 5 pages - started? no... ideas? yes
Preaching
Book Review - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by saturday
filing system - due - next week... started? yes - file folders made - just need to stuff them with info
class insights - due - next week - started? no...
Christian History
Final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no... scared to death of not passing the class? yes...
Theology -
final project - due last week... started? yes... (short amounts to go) will finish tomorrow... personal credo - 10-12 pages... started? no... due... tomorrow... will get it done tomorrow
final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no...
whew... tired just typing it... i understand that this is mostly my fault - the procrastination... the madness... i can offer no excuses because excuses, in general, suck...
at the same time... i'm not motivated to get it done... i'm so ready for it to be over, but i am having a hard time getting started on so much of it... and i constantly think - if i can just get through tomorrow, i'll be okay! i just want to get through the next 8 days!!!
at the same time, i want to enjoy the last few days of school... i so treasure time spent with classmates in this building... i love the conversations - the deep sharing that can take place... i hate it when no one is here and i don't want the semester to end! (for the social stuff)
okay - the final word on school is that i'm tired - i'm feeling vulnerable because there is so much on the line and i'm worried about getting it all done... yet i feel the need to vent, thus, creating my "time" to blog right this second... i need to not be thinking and "doing" school for a little bit...
on the personal-front... i'm lonely... i live in a house with 8 people - and a million animals... if there is anyone who shouldn't feel lonely, it's me... i love being at home and being around the family... they bring incredible joy into my life and for that i'm extremely thankful... so why do i feel alone? i want to experience the rest that comes from being with someone - that presence of someone who i can be "me" around and feel comfortable and safe and loved... yes, i should and do feel that in my Daddy... i desire to feel that with a human being... a partner, a companion... the closeness and intimacy of a best friend mixed with the struggles and hurt associated with being vulnerable along with the crazy quirks that a personality brings rolled into a package of someone who is a perfect fit. don't get me wrong - i'm not looking for mr. perfect... i'm not looking for the perfect man... i'm not looking at all, if you want to get technical about it... but i'm waiting, dreaming, hoping of the perfect fit... the right complement to me... as screwed up and weird as i am... (yes, m.a., i'm a weird, weird child!) and i'm waiting to be presented to him... which is another long story that i won't go into today...
here's what i hate - the stupid christian stigma that says that i'm not "okay" because i'm not married... christian single women must be one of 4 things... (and let me say - 2ND DISCLAIMER - i don't know really anyone who fits into these categories - it's mostly my rantings and ravings - about how i feel single christian girls are stereotyped - and probably in my own mind... and maybe how i feel i've been stereotyped... my aim is not to offend... it's mostly my frustrations...)
1) sinful and not in a right relationship with God, because EVERYONE knows that once one is satisfied in God alone, He brings his/her mate IMMEDIATELY...
2) called to the foreign mission field, ready to sacrifice having a husband... she's so spiritual she doesn't even desire a husband...
3) "that girl" - that weird-psycho-overly-clingy-girl-who-probably-went-to-bible-college-and-everyone-knows-why-she's-single-by-looking-at-her...
4) a femi-nazi
there are probably more, but those are the ones coming to my mind... i especially hate #1... that is exactly how i feel... and no... i don't want some married woman telling me she knows how hard it is to be single... she is on the other end of things... you haven't been me and you don't know how it feels to be me... (i'm such a whiney-butt...) i just hate that advice... "as soon as you're content in the Lord, He'll give you a mate..." no one ever promised that... that is not a biblical command... and i know PLENTY of content-in-Jesus women who aren't married yet - and it's not because they don't desire to be!!! (i'm getting really fired up and i'm typing really hard, probably making the other people in the computer lab wonder what the heck is going on!!!)
on the other side... i'm so excited about my job - about stuff going on in my life... i'm not sitting around completely unhappy because God hasn't brought my husband... i just felt this way today, specifically, out of nowhere because that happens... it's not a constant state of being!!!
on the seasonal-front... the stupid holiday season doesn't help much with the previous discussion... the holidays scream, "YOU NEED SOMEONE TO BE OKAY!!!" the holidays are meant to share and if you're alone, well, "i guess you'll have to deal with it, won't you?"
maybe it's the weather... isn't a lot better to cuddle up with someone on a cold night than to add another blanket in your lonely bed?
to sum it up, i want someone to take a nap with... to rest... to be... there's a great episode of friends where joey and ross take a nap together and wake up feeling refreshed... the best nap they ever got... while i'm not going to go out and ask people to take a nap with me... that's just what i desire... and preferrably that would be with someone who i want to share my life with (and preferrably male)...
on the friend-front... i have a really good friend who is moving away in a few days... and when i say moving... it's not down the street or to the next town... she's freaking moving across the country to pittsburgh... what the crap? and while i'm TOTALLY excited for what our Daddy has in store for her, i hate that she's moving... she's a normal friend at school who i feel is a kindred spirit - who i can share my guts with and she not only listens, she feels it... she is present with me when i'm sharing my guts and i just know it's not going to be the same over the phone a million miles away - i know what distance generally does to friendships... and i HATE it...
i have another friend who already lives a couple of hours away - but she is moving to the other side of washington, maybe... it would be such a great experience for her, and i'm so thrilled... at the same time... i feel sad, because i know it will weaken our friendship even more... it's already a bit of a stretch because she doesn't live in the same town... but she's another kindred spirit...
so here i am, pouting... whiney... i'm getting left behind... this is where my Daddy has me, but i don't want to feel left behind... i don't want things to change...
and here's another thing i realized today... i feel like my life has mostly been made up of changed mixed with brief seasons of the ordinary, here and there... i'm so tired of change... of having to make new friends (and keep the old... one is silver and the other's gold) and either having the friends i've made leave or me leave them behind... how many friendships have been lost in the shuffle?? i know this is part of life, but i don't have to like it...
amy brought this up... about "lifers" a post she wrote called, "we're all outsiders"... who are my lifers... my friend moving to pittsburgh - i would have thought her to be a lifer... not that she's abandoned me, but i know things change with distance... and she'll be getting married in the next year and that changes things even more... i heard a sermon one time that we have 5 people we can count on - 5 "lifers" if you will - not family - who would drop everything if you asked them to come... i thought, "surely there are more than 5" - but i think there are just 5... who are they???
anyway - i think i'm just rambling at this point... there's tons more i can say, but i'm going to call it a night... if you've journeyed with me through this... thank you... i truly appreciate it!!!
Dec 5, 2004
mirror, mirror...
So during my sermon last week, i used an illustration that won over most of the members of my class - and then i've heard this song a couple of times on the radio and to me - they totally go together - and it's a lot with what i've been dealing with most of my life... so i decided it would be great to post it... so i'll start with the illustration (actually the entire second point of my sermon) - i'll just copy it straight from my sermon notes... it was sermon from 2 cor. 5:11-21 (if you want the full sermon notes, let me know... :))
********************
The second point is the idea of messengers recognizing others not according to the flesh. Because of our relationship with Christ, and being ministers, we should have a different view than we had before we knew Christ.
What this means is that we shouldn't evaluate people the way the world evaluates people. We should be able to see things from a different perspective than what the world is used to.
This could be compared to putting on a lens - or glasses. (at this point, i take off my glasses...) When i'm not wearing my glasses, I see things differently and a lot blurrier. It takes an effort on my part, though small, in this case, to put on my glasses. I choose to see things differently by putting them on. (at this point, i put them back on) In the same way, we have to choose to see things according to God's perspective and not the world's perspective. We must choose to use God's measuring stick instead of the world's. We must choose the proper perspective.
However, this perspective we take is not only to view others, but should also be used when we view ourselves. We need to have a proper perspective of ourselves.
Some of you may have to work with me on this one. I have, what i like to call, a skinny mirror at home (i actually brought the mirror to class and was holding it at this point)... this mirror, because of its shape, presents a more favorable image to me than other mirrors i have looked into before. Also, becuase of the angle at which it sits, the image is even better than that. Plain english - it makes me look taller and skinnier than i probably am...
A lot of times this can be a problem in my perspective of myself. A lot of times, i choose to use the world's measuring stick instead of God's on myself. Paul urges the Corinthians not to recognize others according to the world. I think we need to be careful not to recognize ourselves according to the flesh, as well.
*************************
********************
The second point is the idea of messengers recognizing others not according to the flesh. Because of our relationship with Christ, and being ministers, we should have a different view than we had before we knew Christ.
What this means is that we shouldn't evaluate people the way the world evaluates people. We should be able to see things from a different perspective than what the world is used to.
This could be compared to putting on a lens - or glasses. (at this point, i take off my glasses...) When i'm not wearing my glasses, I see things differently and a lot blurrier. It takes an effort on my part, though small, in this case, to put on my glasses. I choose to see things differently by putting them on. (at this point, i put them back on) In the same way, we have to choose to see things according to God's perspective and not the world's perspective. We must choose to use God's measuring stick instead of the world's. We must choose the proper perspective.
However, this perspective we take is not only to view others, but should also be used when we view ourselves. We need to have a proper perspective of ourselves.
Some of you may have to work with me on this one. I have, what i like to call, a skinny mirror at home (i actually brought the mirror to class and was holding it at this point)... this mirror, because of its shape, presents a more favorable image to me than other mirrors i have looked into before. Also, becuase of the angle at which it sits, the image is even better than that. Plain english - it makes me look taller and skinnier than i probably am...
A lot of times this can be a problem in my perspective of myself. A lot of times, i choose to use the world's measuring stick instead of God's on myself. Paul urges the Corinthians not to recognize others according to the world. I think we need to be careful not to recognize ourselves according to the flesh, as well.
*************************
so then, the song - is a song by Barlow Girl. i've never really listened to their music, but after hearing this song and looking at a few other lyrics on their website, i may just have to buy the cd - or ask for it for christmas...
Mirror - Barlow Girl
Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I’m finding It’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won’t define me
Sorry, you don’t own me
Chorus:
Who are you to tell me
that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
to the list of things I should do
I won’t try; I won’t try
You don’t define me; You don’t define me
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
To Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me
Chorus
*************************
i found the notes from the artists on why they wrote the song - and i found them to match up with all the other stuff, so i decided to post them, too...
Mirror
It’s very hard in this day and age to be content with how we look. Everywhere we look, from magazines, movies, and music videos, we are constantly reminded that we don’t measure up. We aren’t as tall, skinny, muscular, beautiful, or perfect as we should be. The mirror reminds us that we don’t measure up with the images of others.
We girls became more and more discouraged because we didn’t like what we saw in our mirrors. We wanted to know: "Who defines what good looks really are?", "Who decides how tall and skinny we should be?", "Who says that blond is better than brown, and full lips are better than small lips?", "Who makes all these guidelines that we’re expected to follow to be 'in'?" Instead of asking God why He made us look and act the way we are, we were tormented by our own mirrors. God showed us that He made everyone look different for a reason, and we could learn to be excited about how He had made us. We realized that we would never be happy until we ignore what our mirrors say, and allow God to show us who we really are in Him.
Mirror
It’s very hard in this day and age to be content with how we look. Everywhere we look, from magazines, movies, and music videos, we are constantly reminded that we don’t measure up. We aren’t as tall, skinny, muscular, beautiful, or perfect as we should be. The mirror reminds us that we don’t measure up with the images of others.
We girls became more and more discouraged because we didn’t like what we saw in our mirrors. We wanted to know: "Who defines what good looks really are?", "Who decides how tall and skinny we should be?", "Who says that blond is better than brown, and full lips are better than small lips?", "Who makes all these guidelines that we’re expected to follow to be 'in'?" Instead of asking God why He made us look and act the way we are, we were tormented by our own mirrors. God showed us that He made everyone look different for a reason, and we could learn to be excited about how He had made us. We realized that we would never be happy until we ignore what our mirrors say, and allow God to show us who we really are in Him.
Dec 2, 2004
christmas gifts...
in an effort to not procrastinate on at least one thing in my life last night, i went christmas shopping... for real christmas shopping... i would not look at anything that i wouldn't consider buying for someone else... (i like looking at stuff i like - last night was not one of those nights...)
so i went from store to store in one of the shopping centers in portland (really only from barnes and noble to target to circuit city, back to barnes and noble, back to target then home...)
i bought one christmas present - ONE... that is pathetic... i live with a large family, and i want to get them all something - although, it will probably not be much for each person... once the rules of multiplication come into play with money, it's not a good thing (unless it's income)... so if i spend so much on one person, multiplied by 8 - well... let's just say, i'm going to have to be a bit frugal in my attempts, because i need to buy my family their stuff first, along with a few friends sprinkled about...
here's the problem... i love giving gifts... no wait, that's not the problem...
the problem is... i don't want to give gifts just because it's required... i want them to be great gifts... i want, when the recipient opens the package, their face to light up because it's the perfect gift... and for that gift to have special meaning, even years from now... i have gifts like this that i love... things that are so special to me, not because of cost, but because of the relationship with that person and also with their familiarity with me - when they know me so well they know what's perfect... or just because it's made me laugh... i don't know - hard to describe - but when they just "fit"
so that's what i want to get - perfect gifts... here's problem #2 - most of the members of the family i'm having trouble picking out gifts for are boys - the youngest boys - ages 7, 10, 13, and 16 - i have never been a 7, 10, 13, or 16 year old boy... even in living with their family for several months, i don't know what would be perfect... and it's hard to figure out what to get - sure i could get them a new video game or a gift certificate, but i want it to mean something...
this family has meant so much to me since i moved to the northwest... i'm a different person because they are in my life... they have shaped a lot of who i am - and i'm very thankful for that - each one in their own way has been incredibly special... how do i say thank you for that? how do i show a 7 year old that he is so precious to me when he asks me the greatest questions ever and makes me look at the world a little differently each time he laughs? what christmas gift would show that appreciation and still be so cool that his little face lights up with sheer joy... so that in the back of his mind he's thinking, "robyn must think i'm really cool... this present is awesome..."
i really want to protect them - so i won't say their names, but i want to say something about each of the boys - because they make me happy - and who knows... maybe it will help me think of ideas for future shopping excursions...
"the 16-year old" - passionate about his heritage... great leadership skills... hard worker... servant-minded... very willing to speak his mind about any given subject... goes out of his way to be a gentleman... intense desire to know - to learn... is very discerning and a terrific listener...
"the 13-year old" - he is my friend... it's that playful relationship that 13-year olds have (not that i'm 13, but sometimes i act it) - very silly and random, but a constant laugh... tender-hearted... he feels much... heartbreaker in the making... incredibly gifted, but too shy to let it all come out... loves animals... would bend over backwards for me at a moment's notice...
"the 10-year old" - stubborn... he is the one who always remembers - he remembers when i've said something (good or bad) and reminds me of it... prone to get in trouble - or at least has the capacity for it, but a great kid at heart... hard-working... kind of a "tough guy" image... will do anything for a laugh... incredibly gifted, although sometimes too stubborn to let them come out...
"the 7-year old" - incredibly bright... and amazingly witty... he leaves me thinking, "i can't believe he just said that... and got away with it" - a lot... he is the baby of the family by age, so some of the time that comes out, but most of the time, he's right in the middle of the action... so many of the things he says force me to stop and think... he's been used in every sermon i've ever preached as an illustration because of something he's said... when i'm gone for a while (a weekend or longer), i'm thankful if he's home and awake when i get home - because of his reaction when i walk in the door...
okay - so i started writing those, and then had to keep adding... so yeah - those are the boys... they're the ones i'm having trouble thinking of gifts for...
i didn't even mention "dad" or "mom" or the other 2 "kids" that live at home - but i could easily make lists about them, too...
i just hope they all realize how much they mean to me this christmas - how much of an impact they've made in my life... how do i show that?
so i went from store to store in one of the shopping centers in portland (really only from barnes and noble to target to circuit city, back to barnes and noble, back to target then home...)
i bought one christmas present - ONE... that is pathetic... i live with a large family, and i want to get them all something - although, it will probably not be much for each person... once the rules of multiplication come into play with money, it's not a good thing (unless it's income)... so if i spend so much on one person, multiplied by 8 - well... let's just say, i'm going to have to be a bit frugal in my attempts, because i need to buy my family their stuff first, along with a few friends sprinkled about...
here's the problem... i love giving gifts... no wait, that's not the problem...
the problem is... i don't want to give gifts just because it's required... i want them to be great gifts... i want, when the recipient opens the package, their face to light up because it's the perfect gift... and for that gift to have special meaning, even years from now... i have gifts like this that i love... things that are so special to me, not because of cost, but because of the relationship with that person and also with their familiarity with me - when they know me so well they know what's perfect... or just because it's made me laugh... i don't know - hard to describe - but when they just "fit"
so that's what i want to get - perfect gifts... here's problem #2 - most of the members of the family i'm having trouble picking out gifts for are boys - the youngest boys - ages 7, 10, 13, and 16 - i have never been a 7, 10, 13, or 16 year old boy... even in living with their family for several months, i don't know what would be perfect... and it's hard to figure out what to get - sure i could get them a new video game or a gift certificate, but i want it to mean something...
this family has meant so much to me since i moved to the northwest... i'm a different person because they are in my life... they have shaped a lot of who i am - and i'm very thankful for that - each one in their own way has been incredibly special... how do i say thank you for that? how do i show a 7 year old that he is so precious to me when he asks me the greatest questions ever and makes me look at the world a little differently each time he laughs? what christmas gift would show that appreciation and still be so cool that his little face lights up with sheer joy... so that in the back of his mind he's thinking, "robyn must think i'm really cool... this present is awesome..."
i really want to protect them - so i won't say their names, but i want to say something about each of the boys - because they make me happy - and who knows... maybe it will help me think of ideas for future shopping excursions...
"the 16-year old" - passionate about his heritage... great leadership skills... hard worker... servant-minded... very willing to speak his mind about any given subject... goes out of his way to be a gentleman... intense desire to know - to learn... is very discerning and a terrific listener...
"the 13-year old" - he is my friend... it's that playful relationship that 13-year olds have (not that i'm 13, but sometimes i act it) - very silly and random, but a constant laugh... tender-hearted... he feels much... heartbreaker in the making... incredibly gifted, but too shy to let it all come out... loves animals... would bend over backwards for me at a moment's notice...
"the 10-year old" - stubborn... he is the one who always remembers - he remembers when i've said something (good or bad) and reminds me of it... prone to get in trouble - or at least has the capacity for it, but a great kid at heart... hard-working... kind of a "tough guy" image... will do anything for a laugh... incredibly gifted, although sometimes too stubborn to let them come out...
"the 7-year old" - incredibly bright... and amazingly witty... he leaves me thinking, "i can't believe he just said that... and got away with it" - a lot... he is the baby of the family by age, so some of the time that comes out, but most of the time, he's right in the middle of the action... so many of the things he says force me to stop and think... he's been used in every sermon i've ever preached as an illustration because of something he's said... when i'm gone for a while (a weekend or longer), i'm thankful if he's home and awake when i get home - because of his reaction when i walk in the door...
okay - so i started writing those, and then had to keep adding... so yeah - those are the boys... they're the ones i'm having trouble thinking of gifts for...
i didn't even mention "dad" or "mom" or the other 2 "kids" that live at home - but i could easily make lists about them, too...
i just hope they all realize how much they mean to me this christmas - how much of an impact they've made in my life... how do i show that?
Nov 30, 2004
so this makes 5...
5 posts in one day... but 3 were old... that's okay...
tonight in class, i preached - seriously - preached a sermon for preaching class - however many of the guys in my class would have disagreed... they'll allow me to communicate, but not preach... whatever...
it went pretty well... i talked too fast (nerves), but received much praise for my illustrations... and was even told by one of the pastors that i could come preach at his church anytime... seriously, i'm glad it's over but it went okay... not terrible at all... it's a pretty intimidating thing - my class is all men, except there is one other woman... and for me - it's a bit overwhelming... but it's all good... it is finished...
i have some homework to get done tonight, but i'm exhausted and not motivated... i just want to go home and go to bed... maybe that's what i'll do - and then i'll get up and work on my mini-project in the morning and finish up my theology project during my break tomorrow... good idea... i'm a genius...
tonight in class, i preached - seriously - preached a sermon for preaching class - however many of the guys in my class would have disagreed... they'll allow me to communicate, but not preach... whatever...
it went pretty well... i talked too fast (nerves), but received much praise for my illustrations... and was even told by one of the pastors that i could come preach at his church anytime... seriously, i'm glad it's over but it went okay... not terrible at all... it's a pretty intimidating thing - my class is all men, except there is one other woman... and for me - it's a bit overwhelming... but it's all good... it is finished...
i have some homework to get done tonight, but i'm exhausted and not motivated... i just want to go home and go to bed... maybe that's what i'll do - and then i'll get up and work on my mini-project in the morning and finish up my theology project during my break tomorrow... good idea... i'm a genius...
a happy plate...
Okay – so evidently I’m the only person in my circle in the northwest who knows what this means… is this a southern phrase? Is this a phrase that is specific to my own upbringing… (not that my parents ever said it – it came much later – when I was in jr. high and high school – and related to the day care that mom had… but I said something about it at dinner on Saturday night and everyone looked at me like I was nuts… what? a happy plate? Yes… a happy plate – It means you finished all of the food on your plate, so it’s happy…
However… I just talked to a friend from school who said that he lived that – a place that he used to go had a yellow smiley face painted on the plates for kids – and the idea is – the kids would eat all their food and there is a smiley face at the bottom so it’s a happy plate!!! It all makes sense, doesn’t it?
Also – something we said growing up – was if you mixed up all different types of soda in your cup it was called a suicide… I don’t know why – we just did – but I don’t think that’s a common phrase where I am now…
And the big one – I know a toboggan as a hat – but here it’s a sled… and everyone thinks I am weird because I think of a toboggan as a beanie and not a sled… hmm…
So I’m wondering what other random phrases I know that no one else really knows… are they geographical oddities or specific family oddities? Feel free to comment…
However… I just talked to a friend from school who said that he lived that – a place that he used to go had a yellow smiley face painted on the plates for kids – and the idea is – the kids would eat all their food and there is a smiley face at the bottom so it’s a happy plate!!! It all makes sense, doesn’t it?
Also – something we said growing up – was if you mixed up all different types of soda in your cup it was called a suicide… I don’t know why – we just did – but I don’t think that’s a common phrase where I am now…
And the big one – I know a toboggan as a hat – but here it’s a sled… and everyone thinks I am weird because I think of a toboggan as a beanie and not a sled… hmm…
So I’m wondering what other random phrases I know that no one else really knows… are they geographical oddities or specific family oddities? Feel free to comment…
chairs for sale...
A couple of weekends I watched a bunch of movies… born on the fourth of july, red dawn, phenomenon, and bridget jones – the edge of reason… good times… war movies and love stories…
My discussion of the war movies is as follows… wow… intense… as far as born on the fourth of july goes – I appreciate oliver stone’s ability to pull out the “hard stuff” and shed it in a new light – and in a different way… even though I don’t necessarily always like intense war-type dramas… (even though this one mostly focuses on “after the war”) it really made me think about stuff a lot differently than I had before… and I’ll drop it at that…
Okay – onto the love stories… could I linger on war movies long? No…
Okay – I’m a HUGE bridget jones fan… I loved the first movie… I can honestly see all the things that she does and think – that is me… (for the most part – there are definitely things that she does that I don’t do… mostly because of morality issues…) but the way she pretty much says the wrong thing at the wrong time a whole heck of a lot of the time… well, yeah, that’s pretty much me… and the way that she does dumb stuff – like getting herself into weird situations… well, yeah, that’s me, too…
So, I went to see the second one… I hadn’t really heard good things about it – but I thought… I love bridget jones… so I’ll definitely love it!!! And I did really like it… it was different than seeing the first one – probably for a couple of reasons… 1) I had already read the book, so I kind of already knew what was going to happen… 2) I was already expecting her to do a bunch of dumb stuff, so it kind of took the shock value out of it for me… however… I still laughed a whole lot and snorted several times… and even got teary eyed…
And… I still loved the story… here’s bridget dealing with the “perfect man” but she feels like she isn’t good enough… and there are some statements she makes that totally hit home… and it got me to thinking – I know there’s a mark darcy out there for me… in the sense of – there is someone that I’m going to embarrass trememdously on a very regular basis and who will probably have to bail me out of some sticky situations every now and then… poor guy…
She makes some statements – stupid imdb hasn’t put up all the great quotes, yet, so these aren’t exact…
She says something to mark about how she always embarrasses him in front of his friends and always says the wrong thing and that she’ll always be a little bit overweight… and I think the reason I identify so much with her character is that it feels a bit more real that the characters I’m subjected to when I choose to watch a dumb chick-flick…
I watched phenomenon twice in the theater when it came out and loved it… I have the soundtrack, even… but I don’t think I’ve seen it very much since then… but there is this great scene… terrific… after george has gone through a whole bunch of stuff and it’s close to the end… and the doctor is talking with some of the guys in the bar…and he sticks up for george – in talking about lace…
Doc: Banes... how's your lady love? Banes: We... um... we broke up.
Doc: Really? That's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's chairs?' Banes: Doc's real drunk tonight.
Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?
I love that scene… it is probably my favorite scene from the movie? Why?
Because I have my own set of uncomfortable chairs… and it was like… he understands… he “gets” it… I don’t know what my chairs are… i doubt that in the movie she was really looking for someone to physically buy the chairs… but the analogy is beautiful… and that made me think, too… I don’t necessarily want to go into all of that, so I think I’m going to leave it there… but my word of advice to guys – if you like a girl, figure out what her chairs are and buy them – all of them… fill your house with them…:)
My discussion of the war movies is as follows… wow… intense… as far as born on the fourth of july goes – I appreciate oliver stone’s ability to pull out the “hard stuff” and shed it in a new light – and in a different way… even though I don’t necessarily always like intense war-type dramas… (even though this one mostly focuses on “after the war”) it really made me think about stuff a lot differently than I had before… and I’ll drop it at that…
Okay – onto the love stories… could I linger on war movies long? No…
Okay – I’m a HUGE bridget jones fan… I loved the first movie… I can honestly see all the things that she does and think – that is me… (for the most part – there are definitely things that she does that I don’t do… mostly because of morality issues…) but the way she pretty much says the wrong thing at the wrong time a whole heck of a lot of the time… well, yeah, that’s pretty much me… and the way that she does dumb stuff – like getting herself into weird situations… well, yeah, that’s me, too…
So, I went to see the second one… I hadn’t really heard good things about it – but I thought… I love bridget jones… so I’ll definitely love it!!! And I did really like it… it was different than seeing the first one – probably for a couple of reasons… 1) I had already read the book, so I kind of already knew what was going to happen… 2) I was already expecting her to do a bunch of dumb stuff, so it kind of took the shock value out of it for me… however… I still laughed a whole lot and snorted several times… and even got teary eyed…
And… I still loved the story… here’s bridget dealing with the “perfect man” but she feels like she isn’t good enough… and there are some statements she makes that totally hit home… and it got me to thinking – I know there’s a mark darcy out there for me… in the sense of – there is someone that I’m going to embarrass trememdously on a very regular basis and who will probably have to bail me out of some sticky situations every now and then… poor guy…
She makes some statements – stupid imdb hasn’t put up all the great quotes, yet, so these aren’t exact…
She says something to mark about how she always embarrasses him in front of his friends and always says the wrong thing and that she’ll always be a little bit overweight… and I think the reason I identify so much with her character is that it feels a bit more real that the characters I’m subjected to when I choose to watch a dumb chick-flick…
I watched phenomenon twice in the theater when it came out and loved it… I have the soundtrack, even… but I don’t think I’ve seen it very much since then… but there is this great scene… terrific… after george has gone through a whole bunch of stuff and it’s close to the end… and the doctor is talking with some of the guys in the bar…and he sticks up for george – in talking about lace…
Doc: Banes... how's your lady love? Banes: We... um... we broke up.
Doc: Really? That's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's chairs?' Banes: Doc's real drunk tonight.
Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?
I love that scene… it is probably my favorite scene from the movie? Why?
Because I have my own set of uncomfortable chairs… and it was like… he understands… he “gets” it… I don’t know what my chairs are… i doubt that in the movie she was really looking for someone to physically buy the chairs… but the analogy is beautiful… and that made me think, too… I don’t necessarily want to go into all of that, so I think I’m going to leave it there… but my word of advice to guys – if you like a girl, figure out what her chairs are and buy them – all of them… fill your house with them…:)
why do we do the things we do?
A bunch of saturday nights ago my car wouldn’t start… I was talking to amy on the phone when it happened, and I had just been talking about how it was fixed… pretty funny and ironic… but the best part was… I got off the phone with amy and I opened the hood of the car…
Let’s get one thing straight… I know little about cars… in looking under the hood, I may be able to do a few things… check the oil, windshield wiper fluid, hook up jumper cables and to take notice of if the car was smoking or not… other than that, I’m not much use for anything… so why did I feel compelled to open the hood? Because I was supposed to… when the car is broken, you lift the hood… not because I know what’s wrong with it… but because that’s what I’m supposed to do…
It made me think of a story… a man and woman got married and the man noticed that when the woman made ham, she would always cut two inches off of each end, stick it in the pan and put it in the oven… this completely baffled him… he asked his wife why she did it, and she said, “i don’t know… it’s what my mother did…” the next time he saw his mother-in-law, he asked her about it…she said, “I don’t know… it’s what my mother did.” So he went to his wife’s grandmother and he asked her about it… she replied, “I had to cut the ends off the ham so it would fit in the pan…”
Okay, since I heard this story from someone else, I’m sure it’s been passed around a whole lot – so it’s not all that new – but the event and story make me stop and look at the things I do – the weird, quirky things… and the things passed on to me by tradition… the things that are familiar to me, but very unfamiliar and very abnormal… (thanks, guys… i’m an idiot – I know unnormal is not a word… I don’t have internet on my laptop, so no dictionary.com – I’m totally lost!!!)
Hmm… what are those things…
Okay – here’s one… old school Nintendo… if it won’t play, what do you do? You blow into the game… and if that doesn’t work, you lean down, blow into the machine… that magical air flow fixes the Nintendo and it works…
In my pastoral counseling class, our professor talked about how sometimes we do things subconsciously… like twirling hair or needing something to rub between our fingers – like a piece of fabric or a stuffed animal… how it could be linked to something from our past…
When I was a little girl, I sucked my thumb and had a pillow that I would hold… the pillow was made from dish towels sewn together and stuffed with pantyhose… I would rub the fringe of the pillow on my face while I sucked my thumb… I’ve heard this story many times… and lately, without realizing it until today, I have been wanting something soft… a little stuffed animal to hold when I’m stressed out… granted, I don’t think I’ll revert to sucking my thumb (let’s hope not)… but it’s a security thing…
I have a friend and she has a night-night… an old blanket that is in shreds… but she always sleeps with her night-night… one time, her night-night went missing (prank) and she was hysterical… she’s had it since she was a baby… I doubt that she thinks it’s weird that she still sleeps with her night-night at 22 years old… and even plans to take it on her honeymoon… but to many others, it’s odd…
so i'm sure there are a lot of other things, too... open to comments and suggestions... they make me laugh...
Let’s get one thing straight… I know little about cars… in looking under the hood, I may be able to do a few things… check the oil, windshield wiper fluid, hook up jumper cables and to take notice of if the car was smoking or not… other than that, I’m not much use for anything… so why did I feel compelled to open the hood? Because I was supposed to… when the car is broken, you lift the hood… not because I know what’s wrong with it… but because that’s what I’m supposed to do…
It made me think of a story… a man and woman got married and the man noticed that when the woman made ham, she would always cut two inches off of each end, stick it in the pan and put it in the oven… this completely baffled him… he asked his wife why she did it, and she said, “i don’t know… it’s what my mother did…” the next time he saw his mother-in-law, he asked her about it…she said, “I don’t know… it’s what my mother did.” So he went to his wife’s grandmother and he asked her about it… she replied, “I had to cut the ends off the ham so it would fit in the pan…”
Okay, since I heard this story from someone else, I’m sure it’s been passed around a whole lot – so it’s not all that new – but the event and story make me stop and look at the things I do – the weird, quirky things… and the things passed on to me by tradition… the things that are familiar to me, but very unfamiliar and very abnormal… (thanks, guys… i’m an idiot – I know unnormal is not a word… I don’t have internet on my laptop, so no dictionary.com – I’m totally lost!!!)
Hmm… what are those things…
Okay – here’s one… old school Nintendo… if it won’t play, what do you do? You blow into the game… and if that doesn’t work, you lean down, blow into the machine… that magical air flow fixes the Nintendo and it works…
In my pastoral counseling class, our professor talked about how sometimes we do things subconsciously… like twirling hair or needing something to rub between our fingers – like a piece of fabric or a stuffed animal… how it could be linked to something from our past…
When I was a little girl, I sucked my thumb and had a pillow that I would hold… the pillow was made from dish towels sewn together and stuffed with pantyhose… I would rub the fringe of the pillow on my face while I sucked my thumb… I’ve heard this story many times… and lately, without realizing it until today, I have been wanting something soft… a little stuffed animal to hold when I’m stressed out… granted, I don’t think I’ll revert to sucking my thumb (let’s hope not)… but it’s a security thing…
I have a friend and she has a night-night… an old blanket that is in shreds… but she always sleeps with her night-night… one time, her night-night went missing (prank) and she was hysterical… she’s had it since she was a baby… I doubt that she thinks it’s weird that she still sleeps with her night-night at 22 years old… and even plans to take it on her honeymoon… but to many others, it’s odd…
so i'm sure there are a lot of other things, too... open to comments and suggestions... they make me laugh...
old entries...
okay - so i have a couple of older entries that i had saved on my laptop - and right now i'm hooked up on my laptop to the network at school, so i can post them... yeah!!! so that's what they are - i know they're old, but oh well... i took the time to write them, so i might as well post them!!!
Nov 28, 2004
random road trip to cali!!!
okay - so for thanksgiving i went to california... i know - crazy - i found out that two friends from school were leaving on tuesday at 7:00 p.m. - i found out at about 5:30 - and they kind of half-jokingly asked if i wanted to go... and little did they know that i would take them up on the offer... and join them for a 6 day excursion... (tuesday until tonight)
i seriously had a terrific time... it was definitely what i needed for thanksgiving... here are some highlights:
(*)i got to hang out with one of my friends from school's extended family (2 uncles and 3 cousins - and lots of animals - 4 dogs, 3 cats, and a donkey... i had never touched a donkey until this week - how fun is that?)...
(*)i got to spend lots of time talking with friends from school and it was very therapeutic - i feel refreshed and enlightened...
(*)i remembered how great the family is that i live with - and was reminded of it in full force today - was really glad to be home...
(*)i was able to see a lot of stuff from my past in a new perspective because of new friends' perspectives and that was very cool...
(*)i got to go on a road trip and i love road trips!
(*)lots of veg-time...
(*)saw some new movies...
(*)had a lot of fun...
(*)abandoned homework the whole time!!
so i might post a more meaningful account... but... that whole homework thing is still needing to be accomplished tonight and the hour is growing late and i had to get up at 5 a.m. - and i didn't go to bed until 1:30ish... so i'm already kind of tired and i should get it mostly done before tomorrow...
so... that will have to do for now!!!
i seriously had a terrific time... it was definitely what i needed for thanksgiving... here are some highlights:
(*)i got to hang out with one of my friends from school's extended family (2 uncles and 3 cousins - and lots of animals - 4 dogs, 3 cats, and a donkey... i had never touched a donkey until this week - how fun is that?)...
(*)i got to spend lots of time talking with friends from school and it was very therapeutic - i feel refreshed and enlightened...
(*)i remembered how great the family is that i live with - and was reminded of it in full force today - was really glad to be home...
(*)i was able to see a lot of stuff from my past in a new perspective because of new friends' perspectives and that was very cool...
(*)i got to go on a road trip and i love road trips!
(*)lots of veg-time...
(*)saw some new movies...
(*)had a lot of fun...
(*)abandoned homework the whole time!!
so i might post a more meaningful account... but... that whole homework thing is still needing to be accomplished tonight and the hour is growing late and i had to get up at 5 a.m. - and i didn't go to bed until 1:30ish... so i'm already kind of tired and i should get it mostly done before tomorrow...
so... that will have to do for now!!!
Nov 19, 2004
end of the week...
wow... i made it through a "normal" week - with school and work... and well... i made it through... which is a good thing - it's really not been all that bad, i must say...
i don't really have anything insightful to post...
but i do have business cards... i had them printed today... :)... yippee!!! i got my nameplate for my doorway earlier this week... so i'm definitely official... which is totally fun!!!
but for now, i'm going to take the weekend - i have some work stuff to do this weekend (proofing the paper), but other than that i'm going to relax - do some homework... and just be for a while... which should be fun... mary and i have a date tonight (girls' night)... it will rock!!!
have a happy weekend!!!
i don't really have anything insightful to post...
but i do have business cards... i had them printed today... :)... yippee!!! i got my nameplate for my doorway earlier this week... so i'm definitely official... which is totally fun!!!
but for now, i'm going to take the weekend - i have some work stuff to do this weekend (proofing the paper), but other than that i'm going to relax - do some homework... and just be for a while... which should be fun... mary and i have a date tonight (girls' night)... it will rock!!!
have a happy weekend!!!
Nov 17, 2004
in response...
wow... so it's been a while since i've written anything of substance... i have mostly been writing about personal junk that doesn't really provide any deeper thoughts... and then... in the last 2 days i have been challenged by similar thoughts of 3 different people who live in very different places... maybe they're all onto something...
1) amy's blog:
i have absolutely no idea what God is trying to teach me right now, but i'm absolutely miserable. i've hit this low point and it everyday it seems to get worse. like i'm in this giant box and it keeps getting shoved around and tossed up and down and now i want out, but i don't even know which way is up.
somedays i feel God tugging at me, but i keep running in the opposite direction. and i don't even want to. i want to stop and let him hold me, but it's like my legs won't stop running long enough to just be still and sit in his prescence. i know the stories. i know that job had everything taken away, but he remained faithful to God and he was blessed. i know that david had to take up the stones and battle goliath. i know that jonah spent time in the belly of a whale because he ran away from what God was telling him. the bible says "be faithful" and "stand firm" but how easy is it to really live that out. it's not easy at all. it's hard. it's a life full of pain, sorrow, trials. i know we as christians were never guaranteed an easy life, in fact we were told the opposite.
(to read entire entry, click here...)
2) chad's blog:
As one of my friends was speaking, God put this on my heart...What if in those times of "dryness," in the times of thirst for God, in the times of not hearing God's voice, God was really trying to teach you something. What if He was allowing you to go through these times so that you know how an unsaved person feels on an everyday basis? What if He wanted you to feel the pain that someone searching feels? And through that pain you get the sense that these people that feel this pain you are in, are the people we should be seeking to find to show them how to find the peace and hope and joy that you so regularly know through the love of God. And through this pain, in your search for the Lord, you find extreme comfort and there is nothing better than feeling the loving comfort of our Father after going through a hard, painful, dry time.
Wow God. You blew me away by putting this on my heart. I've never even thought of it this way. This is what I'm talking about. God has been moving in me. He gives me things like this to be able to comfort the people I know that are hurting right now, and He does it at just the right time. He gives me the right words to say. The Spirit of God is in me and man, am I ever thankful for it. Another way I know He is working through me is that I am starting to finally get the compassion thing. I've been starting to hurt when people hurt. I've been overwhelmed lately by the fact that when I see people hurt, it grieves my heart. I would say that compassion has never been one of my spiritual gifts, but I can see how God is working in my life to change me. I'm excited.
(to read this entire entry, click here...)
i've posted a lot in their words... partially because if i tried to summarize, i'd do a bad job... their words are powerful... no need for me to mess them up...
so part of both of those entries talk about dry times... desert-talk - how do we feel in the desert? thirsty, sure... that's an understatement... but here's where i want to tie in the third instance - a different spin on some similar thoughts...
3) i was riding with mary back to school after grabbing some lunch yesterday... all of a sudden, it hit me...
a year ago, i would never have dreamed i would be where i am... let me clarify...
when i was in college and declared a major, i wanted to have a job working in advertising/graphic design - newspaper... the whole thing... i wanted to be working in a creative field... God put that in my heart/desires - but then not too long after that, i felt like God was calling me into the ministry... immediately, all of those plans went on the back burner and i was focused on ministry... in the mean time, my portfolio and excitement for advertising suffered... close to disappearing... about a year ago, i was in downtown portland with a friend - we were going to go to a seminar at the art institute of portland - he graduated from there with a degree in graphic design... in sitting in the seminar, i was sad... i missed it - i missed being a part of that field... as we were walking back to his truck, i expressed how frustrated i was that i had put all of that behind me... and even though i'd love for that to be a part of my life again, i had chosen ministry... and i had to be faithful... a year later, and much heartache with not knowing exactly what God had for me - here i am...
mary had a similar experience with her art... she has an art degree and left it behind to go to seminary and do ministry... and now works as a church secretary... she experienced and expressed some of the same frustrations about leaving all of it behind to pursue ministry as that is what God had for her... but then He had brought it back into her life... she is able to use art as a ministry to many - it's not her entire life but it's a huge part of her ministry...
BUT... here's the great part...
when God had restored those things in our life - and when we reflected on it yesterday, we both realized how much sweeter it had gotten... if i had pursued advertising wholeheartedly and refused ministry... who knows where i'd be... but i could never have dreamed of this life that God has given me... where i'm able to have an insanely incredible job working in a Christian environment with people who are terrific - and where i'm getting to see ministry happen all the time... the same with mary - she expressed how much God has changed art in her life - and how much greater it is now...
but it doesn't change the fact that we both went through times of dryness... of having gifts that we weren't using... feeling like those gifts were wasted and not worthwhile... only to find out at the end that God had bigger things in store than we could have ever dreamed of...
i am not trying to say that everyone goes through this... some may never go through the dry times and in others, He may not necessarily restore what was offered up to Him... we were both just so overwhelmed at the faithfulness of God in our lives... how He could see the big picture... and we had to be faithful to take those steps, even when it seemed we were leaving something we loved behind or when it seemed a little crazy... why God? why would You take this away? why am i not seeing "results?" why do i feel so unhappy? why do i feel so far away? what in the world are You doing?
"just wait... hold on... don't give up... keep following Me... i know it sounds crazy... you're almost there..."
and then...
at the end (or closer to it, anyway - a few steps in...), we see... and not only see... but we're amazed... what we had given to God - our offerings, He had returned back to us in a much better state...
and right now, i'm realizing, He does the same thing with my life... i offer Him my life, my gifts, whatever i have... but He is the one that does the work... the fine tuning that produces a much sweeter result than i could ever have dreamed of...
(and i know it's a lot easier for me to say all of this at this point in the game... and it doesn't necessarily provide much hope for those on the other side... but i hope it provides a bit of a challenge... and a further challenge to those who have gone through it and are on this side... i hope we don't forget - but instead can encourage and "be" with those who have no answers... i hope i can do that...)
1) amy's blog:
i have absolutely no idea what God is trying to teach me right now, but i'm absolutely miserable. i've hit this low point and it everyday it seems to get worse. like i'm in this giant box and it keeps getting shoved around and tossed up and down and now i want out, but i don't even know which way is up.
somedays i feel God tugging at me, but i keep running in the opposite direction. and i don't even want to. i want to stop and let him hold me, but it's like my legs won't stop running long enough to just be still and sit in his prescence. i know the stories. i know that job had everything taken away, but he remained faithful to God and he was blessed. i know that david had to take up the stones and battle goliath. i know that jonah spent time in the belly of a whale because he ran away from what God was telling him. the bible says "be faithful" and "stand firm" but how easy is it to really live that out. it's not easy at all. it's hard. it's a life full of pain, sorrow, trials. i know we as christians were never guaranteed an easy life, in fact we were told the opposite.
(to read entire entry, click here...)
2) chad's blog:
As one of my friends was speaking, God put this on my heart...What if in those times of "dryness," in the times of thirst for God, in the times of not hearing God's voice, God was really trying to teach you something. What if He was allowing you to go through these times so that you know how an unsaved person feels on an everyday basis? What if He wanted you to feel the pain that someone searching feels? And through that pain you get the sense that these people that feel this pain you are in, are the people we should be seeking to find to show them how to find the peace and hope and joy that you so regularly know through the love of God. And through this pain, in your search for the Lord, you find extreme comfort and there is nothing better than feeling the loving comfort of our Father after going through a hard, painful, dry time.
Wow God. You blew me away by putting this on my heart. I've never even thought of it this way. This is what I'm talking about. God has been moving in me. He gives me things like this to be able to comfort the people I know that are hurting right now, and He does it at just the right time. He gives me the right words to say. The Spirit of God is in me and man, am I ever thankful for it. Another way I know He is working through me is that I am starting to finally get the compassion thing. I've been starting to hurt when people hurt. I've been overwhelmed lately by the fact that when I see people hurt, it grieves my heart. I would say that compassion has never been one of my spiritual gifts, but I can see how God is working in my life to change me. I'm excited.
(to read this entire entry, click here...)
i've posted a lot in their words... partially because if i tried to summarize, i'd do a bad job... their words are powerful... no need for me to mess them up...
so part of both of those entries talk about dry times... desert-talk - how do we feel in the desert? thirsty, sure... that's an understatement... but here's where i want to tie in the third instance - a different spin on some similar thoughts...
3) i was riding with mary back to school after grabbing some lunch yesterday... all of a sudden, it hit me...
a year ago, i would never have dreamed i would be where i am... let me clarify...
when i was in college and declared a major, i wanted to have a job working in advertising/graphic design - newspaper... the whole thing... i wanted to be working in a creative field... God put that in my heart/desires - but then not too long after that, i felt like God was calling me into the ministry... immediately, all of those plans went on the back burner and i was focused on ministry... in the mean time, my portfolio and excitement for advertising suffered... close to disappearing... about a year ago, i was in downtown portland with a friend - we were going to go to a seminar at the art institute of portland - he graduated from there with a degree in graphic design... in sitting in the seminar, i was sad... i missed it - i missed being a part of that field... as we were walking back to his truck, i expressed how frustrated i was that i had put all of that behind me... and even though i'd love for that to be a part of my life again, i had chosen ministry... and i had to be faithful... a year later, and much heartache with not knowing exactly what God had for me - here i am...
mary had a similar experience with her art... she has an art degree and left it behind to go to seminary and do ministry... and now works as a church secretary... she experienced and expressed some of the same frustrations about leaving all of it behind to pursue ministry as that is what God had for her... but then He had brought it back into her life... she is able to use art as a ministry to many - it's not her entire life but it's a huge part of her ministry...
BUT... here's the great part...
when God had restored those things in our life - and when we reflected on it yesterday, we both realized how much sweeter it had gotten... if i had pursued advertising wholeheartedly and refused ministry... who knows where i'd be... but i could never have dreamed of this life that God has given me... where i'm able to have an insanely incredible job working in a Christian environment with people who are terrific - and where i'm getting to see ministry happen all the time... the same with mary - she expressed how much God has changed art in her life - and how much greater it is now...
but it doesn't change the fact that we both went through times of dryness... of having gifts that we weren't using... feeling like those gifts were wasted and not worthwhile... only to find out at the end that God had bigger things in store than we could have ever dreamed of...
i am not trying to say that everyone goes through this... some may never go through the dry times and in others, He may not necessarily restore what was offered up to Him... we were both just so overwhelmed at the faithfulness of God in our lives... how He could see the big picture... and we had to be faithful to take those steps, even when it seemed we were leaving something we loved behind or when it seemed a little crazy... why God? why would You take this away? why am i not seeing "results?" why do i feel so unhappy? why do i feel so far away? what in the world are You doing?
"just wait... hold on... don't give up... keep following Me... i know it sounds crazy... you're almost there..."
and then...
at the end (or closer to it, anyway - a few steps in...), we see... and not only see... but we're amazed... what we had given to God - our offerings, He had returned back to us in a much better state...
and right now, i'm realizing, He does the same thing with my life... i offer Him my life, my gifts, whatever i have... but He is the one that does the work... the fine tuning that produces a much sweeter result than i could ever have dreamed of...
(and i know it's a lot easier for me to say all of this at this point in the game... and it doesn't necessarily provide much hope for those on the other side... but i hope it provides a bit of a challenge... and a further challenge to those who have gone through it and are on this side... i hope we don't forget - but instead can encourage and "be" with those who have no answers... i hope i can do that...)
Nov 15, 2004
"don't you hate it when life interrupts..."
that's what my pastoral counseling professor just said to me... she's awesome...
here's why she said it... i looked at her with car key in hand and told her my car is being towed... which it is... the toyota dealership is not on my good list... they fixed my car last week and, i'm guessing, broke something else... fun times... on saturday my car wouldn't start - and when i say that - it's not like it was making any noise or anything - completely dead... i just had my battery replaced and it's been working fine... until i got it back from the shop... so, before 8 a.m., i had already made a few phone calls, have the tow truck on the way and i managed to make it on the list for today at toyota - and that never happens... i can be a little sassy when i need to be... is sassy the right word? let me consult dictionary.com... (which i have a link to on the sidebar now... :)...) yes... that's pretty close... maybe assertive... anyway...
so the tow truck guy came... and went... with my car... and now i have to go to class... but there's plenty more to blog about - especially my experience when the car wouldn't start on saturday night... and how crazy my weekend was - and my week is going to be... but that can wait until a different day - or maybe later today when i want to take a break from writing papers!!!
here's why she said it... i looked at her with car key in hand and told her my car is being towed... which it is... the toyota dealership is not on my good list... they fixed my car last week and, i'm guessing, broke something else... fun times... on saturday my car wouldn't start - and when i say that - it's not like it was making any noise or anything - completely dead... i just had my battery replaced and it's been working fine... until i got it back from the shop... so, before 8 a.m., i had already made a few phone calls, have the tow truck on the way and i managed to make it on the list for today at toyota - and that never happens... i can be a little sassy when i need to be... is sassy the right word? let me consult dictionary.com... (which i have a link to on the sidebar now... :)...) yes... that's pretty close... maybe assertive... anyway...
so the tow truck guy came... and went... with my car... and now i have to go to class... but there's plenty more to blog about - especially my experience when the car wouldn't start on saturday night... and how crazy my weekend was - and my week is going to be... but that can wait until a different day - or maybe later today when i want to take a break from writing papers!!!
Nov 14, 2004
so the links are there...
but i can't see them... frustrating... amy can see the stuff on my blog but i can't... weird technology - i guess i'll see it tomorrow...
i wonder why stuff shows up for her faster than for me... weird, huh??? but anyway - you can check out some of the blogs i frequent... there are others - maybe they'll get added later... now that i know how to add them!!!
i wonder why stuff shows up for her faster than for me... weird, huh??? but anyway - you can check out some of the blogs i frequent... there are others - maybe they'll get added later... now that i know how to add them!!!
fun times with blogs...
so i don't have the ability to post pictures... (or else i would put up this cute one of me and amy that she doesn't like... so she didn't post it...) but amy does... so i scanned some pictures and sent them amy's way - and you can check them out on her blog... fun times... maybe eventually i'll be able to - but i have to wait until i get internet on my laptop... who knows when that will be!!! but check out the pictures, because they're fun!!!
i'm working on putting sidebar links - so look for improvements to my blog soon... i love blogs!!!
i'm working on putting sidebar links - so look for improvements to my blog soon... i love blogs!!!
Nov 13, 2004
back to "normal"
okay, i know i haven't posted an entry in about a million years... but well... things have been a little crazy...
so... here's what's going on...
amy came to visit and it rocked the house... i felt bad because i had to work and then i don't really ever do anything that exciting... but here are some great things from my end about her trip here...
1) it felt really natural for her to be here... amy is one of the few friends i have that i can bear my soul to - someone who allows me to be me... i find her friendship one of the most refreshing friendships ever... so it was great to get to be around her for over a week!
2) papa haydn's - it's a great cafe on 23rd in portland - i blogged about it once - some friends and i had gone there... it's amazing... especially for desserts (which is all i've gone for) - but it was great to go again...
3) seattle - i love going to seattle... i love hanging out with friends i have there - and being in the city - thanks, chad for the tour!!
4) movie time... i have few people who will talk movies with me - and amy brought scene it (the funnest game ever) - it's totally going on my christmas list...
5) during her visit i had some time off work - so it was good to have a break from everything for a few days...
speaking of work...
my job is awesome... and it's keeping me very busy... very busy... i haven't done my job while i've been in school yet - so this next week will probably be a lot nuts for me - because my life will be "normal" - with all of my classes and a full week of work... i'm excited about it - but i know i'll be tired this time next week...
i have a bunch of things "due" for work on monday - so i thought, "i'll get them done on monday" - too bad i forgot that i only work 2 hours on monday due to school... so after i realized it tonight when i got home (after working a long day anyway), i came back up to work and finished some important things - so monday should be less stressful... hopefully...
speaking of school...
i have a whole bunch of stuff due for school on monday/tuesday... so this weekend is going to be super busy trying to get a bunch of school work done... blah!!! i'll probably need to spend all day tomorrow (after saturday morning cartoons) doing homework - and probably most of sunday, too...
i'll be glad when the semester is over... only a few weeks... actually about a month... that's crazy... eww... don't want to think about it, because then i'll have to think about all the stuff that's due in the next few weeks...
okay - so i'm not liking the way this post is going... so here's where i make a change... and write something positive... (which i kind of did at first and got distracted by the school thing)
5 things to be happy about or thankful for today
1) my car is fixed... it has new brake lights that work and a new motor for the drivers' side window... which means i can roll my window up and down now... and it only cost $50 for all of those things...
2) i had a really awesome lunch today... (i'm hungry right now, so moving on...)
3) i learned some new stuff today at work - stuff about the website - i don't know anything about webpage design - so i learned some of that today...
4) we did the layout for the center spread for the newspaper next month - and i actually got to do the hands on - with a bit of coaching from the sidelines - and i think it looks AWESOME!
5) i got to eat dinner with the family that i live with - and play with the boys before coming back to work - and it was so fun... two of them were folding clothes for a while and the youngest said, "i'm going to fold this arkansas style" - i don't really know what that means - but it became the joke of the night... because i went up to him, and i said, "i'm going to fold YOU arkansas style" - and we laughed a lot...
it's the end of the day and i'm really tired... so that means i'm going to go home... and tomorrow i'm going to sleep in because i can... and it will be wonderful... :)
as soon as i get a routine going, i'll be better about posting... until then, you'll all just have to deal!!! :)
so... here's what's going on...
amy came to visit and it rocked the house... i felt bad because i had to work and then i don't really ever do anything that exciting... but here are some great things from my end about her trip here...
1) it felt really natural for her to be here... amy is one of the few friends i have that i can bear my soul to - someone who allows me to be me... i find her friendship one of the most refreshing friendships ever... so it was great to get to be around her for over a week!
2) papa haydn's - it's a great cafe on 23rd in portland - i blogged about it once - some friends and i had gone there... it's amazing... especially for desserts (which is all i've gone for) - but it was great to go again...
3) seattle - i love going to seattle... i love hanging out with friends i have there - and being in the city - thanks, chad for the tour!!
4) movie time... i have few people who will talk movies with me - and amy brought scene it (the funnest game ever) - it's totally going on my christmas list...
5) during her visit i had some time off work - so it was good to have a break from everything for a few days...
speaking of work...
my job is awesome... and it's keeping me very busy... very busy... i haven't done my job while i've been in school yet - so this next week will probably be a lot nuts for me - because my life will be "normal" - with all of my classes and a full week of work... i'm excited about it - but i know i'll be tired this time next week...
i have a bunch of things "due" for work on monday - so i thought, "i'll get them done on monday" - too bad i forgot that i only work 2 hours on monday due to school... so after i realized it tonight when i got home (after working a long day anyway), i came back up to work and finished some important things - so monday should be less stressful... hopefully...
speaking of school...
i have a whole bunch of stuff due for school on monday/tuesday... so this weekend is going to be super busy trying to get a bunch of school work done... blah!!! i'll probably need to spend all day tomorrow (after saturday morning cartoons) doing homework - and probably most of sunday, too...
i'll be glad when the semester is over... only a few weeks... actually about a month... that's crazy... eww... don't want to think about it, because then i'll have to think about all the stuff that's due in the next few weeks...
okay - so i'm not liking the way this post is going... so here's where i make a change... and write something positive... (which i kind of did at first and got distracted by the school thing)
5 things to be happy about or thankful for today
1) my car is fixed... it has new brake lights that work and a new motor for the drivers' side window... which means i can roll my window up and down now... and it only cost $50 for all of those things...
2) i had a really awesome lunch today... (i'm hungry right now, so moving on...)
3) i learned some new stuff today at work - stuff about the website - i don't know anything about webpage design - so i learned some of that today...
4) we did the layout for the center spread for the newspaper next month - and i actually got to do the hands on - with a bit of coaching from the sidelines - and i think it looks AWESOME!
5) i got to eat dinner with the family that i live with - and play with the boys before coming back to work - and it was so fun... two of them were folding clothes for a while and the youngest said, "i'm going to fold this arkansas style" - i don't really know what that means - but it became the joke of the night... because i went up to him, and i said, "i'm going to fold YOU arkansas style" - and we laughed a lot...
it's the end of the day and i'm really tired... so that means i'm going to go home... and tomorrow i'm going to sleep in because i can... and it will be wonderful... :)
as soon as i get a routine going, i'll be better about posting... until then, you'll all just have to deal!!! :)
Nov 2, 2004
this is it... this is life...
sometimes i forget that this is real life... i know that sounds silly, but every now and then i think that i'm going to either 1) wake up and it's all a dream or 2) someone will yell "cut" and we'll have to re-shoot the scene...
and this is the way i often look at things in my mind...
i had meaningful conversations yesterday... but sometimes i see them as "just" talks with friends...
i took a test yesterday that i didn't study for, but it's "just" school...
amy is coming on a plane today, but it's "just" a visit...
i start my new career tomorrow, but it's "just" a job...
and i hate that i see my life as "just" life... why don't i seize every second - every moment of the day... me sitting here writing and erasing - it's part of my existence... part of my life... i have chosen certain things that take up my seconds, minutes, hours, days... and those things make up my life... am i choosing wisely? because i'm pretty sure i'm not about to wake up or hear someone scream "cut" unless i'm having the most real dream ever or someone comes in with a pair of scissors wanting something trimmed...
so i want to see today as part of my life... the sometimes very exciting crazy world of my life and sometimes the "normal" everyday stuff that i generally take for granted... i hope i don't forget to treasure that time spent with a friend going out to dinner when we really don't have the time or money for it... i hope i don't forget to treasure every second of a visit with one of the dearest friends i've ever had... i hope i don't forget to treasure the time that i'm in school... and i hope i don't forget to treasure this job that my Daddy has entrusted me with... can i remain faithful to treasure and praise God for the gifts He's given me, whether they seem big or small, significant or insignificant, short-term or long-term... because i guess i've realized they do really count... and i need to be aware of them... and thankful for them... so i don't look back in 10 years and say... "where did it go? i was just having dinner with her between classes and now she lives on the other side of the world and i haven't talked to her in 6 months..."
so my friend cynthia used to say... "embrace it." and i like this better than my use of the word treasure in the last paragraph... if i forget to embrace this life - everyday - the "normal" stuff... i guess i'd rather try and embrace it - and not see everything as a memory... but the excitement of making the memories...
which makes me think of a movie quote... (hurry, amy's on the plane, so the rest of you have a chance... :)...) what's the going rate for quotes these days??? oh... 500 points...
a: what are you doing?
b: i'm making a memory.
a: making a memory?
b: years from now when i'm quite grown up, i want to remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of... tobacco and peppermint.
a: well, i'll tell you what. i use the peppermint for my indigestion and the tobacco to make your grandmother mad.
i just have a couple of hours left at my job at the library - and sunday was my last day at michael's... i have 7 hours of classes later today and amy gets here at 11:00 tonight and i start my new job at 8:30 tomorrow morning... so i want to make the most of today... i have a lot to do!!! so i better get on with it!!!
and this is the way i often look at things in my mind...
i had meaningful conversations yesterday... but sometimes i see them as "just" talks with friends...
i took a test yesterday that i didn't study for, but it's "just" school...
amy is coming on a plane today, but it's "just" a visit...
i start my new career tomorrow, but it's "just" a job...
and i hate that i see my life as "just" life... why don't i seize every second - every moment of the day... me sitting here writing and erasing - it's part of my existence... part of my life... i have chosen certain things that take up my seconds, minutes, hours, days... and those things make up my life... am i choosing wisely? because i'm pretty sure i'm not about to wake up or hear someone scream "cut" unless i'm having the most real dream ever or someone comes in with a pair of scissors wanting something trimmed...
so i want to see today as part of my life... the sometimes very exciting crazy world of my life and sometimes the "normal" everyday stuff that i generally take for granted... i hope i don't forget to treasure that time spent with a friend going out to dinner when we really don't have the time or money for it... i hope i don't forget to treasure every second of a visit with one of the dearest friends i've ever had... i hope i don't forget to treasure the time that i'm in school... and i hope i don't forget to treasure this job that my Daddy has entrusted me with... can i remain faithful to treasure and praise God for the gifts He's given me, whether they seem big or small, significant or insignificant, short-term or long-term... because i guess i've realized they do really count... and i need to be aware of them... and thankful for them... so i don't look back in 10 years and say... "where did it go? i was just having dinner with her between classes and now she lives on the other side of the world and i haven't talked to her in 6 months..."
so my friend cynthia used to say... "embrace it." and i like this better than my use of the word treasure in the last paragraph... if i forget to embrace this life - everyday - the "normal" stuff... i guess i'd rather try and embrace it - and not see everything as a memory... but the excitement of making the memories...
which makes me think of a movie quote... (hurry, amy's on the plane, so the rest of you have a chance... :)...) what's the going rate for quotes these days??? oh... 500 points...
a: what are you doing?
b: i'm making a memory.
a: making a memory?
b: years from now when i'm quite grown up, i want to remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of... tobacco and peppermint.
a: well, i'll tell you what. i use the peppermint for my indigestion and the tobacco to make your grandmother mad.
i just have a couple of hours left at my job at the library - and sunday was my last day at michael's... i have 7 hours of classes later today and amy gets here at 11:00 tonight and i start my new job at 8:30 tomorrow morning... so i want to make the most of today... i have a lot to do!!! so i better get on with it!!!
Oct 30, 2004
the perfect day... almost...
today was terrific... stinkin' awesome... here's the rundown...
i woke up semi-early for a saturday morning... about 9:00 or so... got out of bed, stumbled into the living room (half-asleep), and played game boy and watched saturday morning cartoons... i love it when i actually get to do this... it's one of my favorite things... there's this great sense of community when all the boys are up and we're watching pokemon and kirby and whatever else is on - that's what we watched this morning... and that's so raven, i think, too... anyway... i sat in the living room until about 11:30 - i had heard rumors that there would be an outing to the pumpkin patch - which i like to call the punkin' patch... i've never been to a punkin' patch in my entire life... i know, being from arkansas, that's hard for people to believe... but i haven't... last year when everyone went, i had to work everytime... so this year, i got to go...
so i took a shower and got ready (when i say this - i mean, i threw on an old pair of jeans, an old t-shirt and a sweatshirt, threw on a hat over wet hair and threw on the oldest pair of tennis shoes i have - i've never gone to a punkin' patch, but i know better than to wear new tennis shoes and my favorite jeans - some of the people out there weren't as smart...
so the ground rules were - everything is paid for - the punkin' patch and lunch - not by me... i had to abide by these rules or i wasn't allowed to go... so we headed out - almost the whole family... micah had to work... so there were 8 of us... and we went to the first patch and they had a very poor showing... so we left there and went to the mega punkin' patch - it's the family friendly one with pumpkin launching and corn mazes and a petting zoo... we got there and we could each get a pumpkin - so we take off on this tractor into a field to go pick out the pumpkin we wanted... mine was definitely going to have to be a "calling" - i was looking for the punkin' that was calling my name... "robyn... here i am... pick me... pick me..." - and it was funny to watch the two youngest boys kick a pumpkin every now and then and say "robyn..." half through their lips - and then proclaim... "robyn, i think this one's calling your name..." so bethany and matthan and i took off together - it's rained a lot here lately, so it was pretty muddy... which made it fun to walk through the field... on the search for the perfect punkin', i slipped and almost fell in some tractor tracks... which was quite humorous... finally, i found it... my punkin'... round, not too big... but big enough to get at least 2 homemade punkin' pies out of... cindy makes the BEST punkin' pie i've ever eaten... living with them during the holidays this year will be a huge advantage!!! so, bethany, matthan and i loaded up our punkin's and headed back towards the place to catch the tractor back... so we get back to the place where i almost fell on the way out... and i stopped and even said out loud... "this is the place where i almost fell... i need to be careful..." - you probably know what's coming... i take a step over the first set of tracks and slip and fall... so i have a new name... muddy butt... but it's slurred together - so muddybutt is more accurate... which proved to be fun... and the younger boys figured... you're already muddy, a little more won't hurt... good times... we took a ton of pictures and laughed a whole lot... then we went to lunch and the good times continued...
bethany and i went to portland for me to develop film and shop while we were waiting... so we walked over to starbuck's - and i realized it's the most beautiful day - i love weather like today... the sun was shining, but it was cool, crisp... with leaves changing colors... the smells of fall - the colors of fall... with a pumpkin spice latte in hand - i couldn't have asked for a better day... but i have a ton of stuff to do tonight for school... that's the only drawback... but i'm thankful - an extra hour of sleep tonight since it's daylight savings time... so i guess that helps out with the trying to get a ton of stuff done...
and the pictures turned out great... maybe when amy's here, i'll add pictures to my blog - and then my laptop is getting fixed - i had to order a new hard drive... and once i get it up and running again, i can start putting pictures up all the time... :)...
i love the fall!!!
i woke up semi-early for a saturday morning... about 9:00 or so... got out of bed, stumbled into the living room (half-asleep), and played game boy and watched saturday morning cartoons... i love it when i actually get to do this... it's one of my favorite things... there's this great sense of community when all the boys are up and we're watching pokemon and kirby and whatever else is on - that's what we watched this morning... and that's so raven, i think, too... anyway... i sat in the living room until about 11:30 - i had heard rumors that there would be an outing to the pumpkin patch - which i like to call the punkin' patch... i've never been to a punkin' patch in my entire life... i know, being from arkansas, that's hard for people to believe... but i haven't... last year when everyone went, i had to work everytime... so this year, i got to go...
so i took a shower and got ready (when i say this - i mean, i threw on an old pair of jeans, an old t-shirt and a sweatshirt, threw on a hat over wet hair and threw on the oldest pair of tennis shoes i have - i've never gone to a punkin' patch, but i know better than to wear new tennis shoes and my favorite jeans - some of the people out there weren't as smart...
so the ground rules were - everything is paid for - the punkin' patch and lunch - not by me... i had to abide by these rules or i wasn't allowed to go... so we headed out - almost the whole family... micah had to work... so there were 8 of us... and we went to the first patch and they had a very poor showing... so we left there and went to the mega punkin' patch - it's the family friendly one with pumpkin launching and corn mazes and a petting zoo... we got there and we could each get a pumpkin - so we take off on this tractor into a field to go pick out the pumpkin we wanted... mine was definitely going to have to be a "calling" - i was looking for the punkin' that was calling my name... "robyn... here i am... pick me... pick me..." - and it was funny to watch the two youngest boys kick a pumpkin every now and then and say "robyn..." half through their lips - and then proclaim... "robyn, i think this one's calling your name..." so bethany and matthan and i took off together - it's rained a lot here lately, so it was pretty muddy... which made it fun to walk through the field... on the search for the perfect punkin', i slipped and almost fell in some tractor tracks... which was quite humorous... finally, i found it... my punkin'... round, not too big... but big enough to get at least 2 homemade punkin' pies out of... cindy makes the BEST punkin' pie i've ever eaten... living with them during the holidays this year will be a huge advantage!!! so, bethany, matthan and i loaded up our punkin's and headed back towards the place to catch the tractor back... so we get back to the place where i almost fell on the way out... and i stopped and even said out loud... "this is the place where i almost fell... i need to be careful..." - you probably know what's coming... i take a step over the first set of tracks and slip and fall... so i have a new name... muddy butt... but it's slurred together - so muddybutt is more accurate... which proved to be fun... and the younger boys figured... you're already muddy, a little more won't hurt... good times... we took a ton of pictures and laughed a whole lot... then we went to lunch and the good times continued...
bethany and i went to portland for me to develop film and shop while we were waiting... so we walked over to starbuck's - and i realized it's the most beautiful day - i love weather like today... the sun was shining, but it was cool, crisp... with leaves changing colors... the smells of fall - the colors of fall... with a pumpkin spice latte in hand - i couldn't have asked for a better day... but i have a ton of stuff to do tonight for school... that's the only drawback... but i'm thankful - an extra hour of sleep tonight since it's daylight savings time... so i guess that helps out with the trying to get a ton of stuff done...
and the pictures turned out great... maybe when amy's here, i'll add pictures to my blog - and then my laptop is getting fixed - i had to order a new hard drive... and once i get it up and running again, i can start putting pictures up all the time... :)...
i love the fall!!!
Oct 29, 2004
countdown...
todady it's official... there are...
3 months until my birthday...
63 days left in the year...
26 days left until thanksgiving...
56 days left until christmas...
46 days left until mom and louis get here...
4 days until amy gets here...
5 days until i start my new job...
so exciting... on that note... i'm going to go eat some lunch and then i have to go to work at michael's - for one of the last times... sunday might be my last day... i'm not sure how it's all going to go down...
3 months until my birthday...
63 days left in the year...
26 days left until thanksgiving...
56 days left until christmas...
46 days left until mom and louis get here...
4 days until amy gets here...
5 days until i start my new job...
so exciting... on that note... i'm going to go eat some lunch and then i have to go to work at michael's - for one of the last times... sunday might be my last day... i'm not sure how it's all going to go down...
Oct 28, 2004
mama this surely is a dream...
okay - so i haven't posted in a while... but here i am now... sitting down to write one of my happiest posts ever...
on monday/tuesday, i was offered and accepted the job as the graphic designer/production assistant for the northwest baptist convention... here's what it all means -
- i have a "career" - this is not a part-time job to get me through seminary - this will be full-time, benefits, the works - monday-friday 8:30-5:00 - type job - no nights, no weekends...
- about school - they are working around my school schedule this semester... next semester, i am taking several steps back - only taking 6 hours max - just on tuesdays... depending on if i can handle it... my boss is not advocating me taking time off... but i don't want to be unrealistic in what i can take on... oh - and i start next week!!!
- the northwest is home... officially - my life will have major consistency - and i'm thrilled at that...
- as far as the job goes - here are my responsibilities... i will be responsible for graphic design for the convention - basically anything that anyone needs - i'm their go-to... so if someone needs programs designed for a meeting, logos, business cards, letterheads, envelopes - all that stuff... along with helping out with production/layout of the monthly newspaper... i think center spread will be my baby each month... other than that, it's just stories with a couple of ads at the bottom... along with helping out with the web site - this is the part that really intimidates me... i don't know anything - the only experience i have is this blog, which is very basic... but it'll work out, i'm sure...
- i have put in notice at my other two jobs... this one job is more than adequate for me to quit both of my other jobs and still come out way ahead at the end of the month... which is a great feeling...
- this job is perfect... i love the people i am going to be working with already - it's in the same building where i go to school, so i'm already on a first-name basis with many of the people i will get to work with each day... it's a very laid-back type of atmosphere - although i'm sure it will get stressful close to deadline time...
- the northwest baptist convention (check out www.nwbaptist.org) is basically the network of all the southern baptist churches in washington, oregon and part of idaho... it's the equivalent (in the south) of a state convention (like the arkansas baptist state convention - absc)...
- what this means for me/ministry - i still have huge and high expectations for high 5 ministries... honestly, a regular-full-time job is what i've been praying for... so my goals are to 1) get involved with a team-led youth ministry with a church in the area... 2) build a network of youth workers, school officials, and youth... as well as anyone else who would be interested in high 5... 3) start preliminary (baby steps) work to build up a ministry without a building... whether it be at the school or a church... or somewhere else... 4) pray that others catch the vision for it - and hopefully, in 10 years, have a full-running youth center - with tutoring, video games, a gym, music rooms, drama rooms, computer labs, foosball, ping pong and pool tables, and hopefully living areas upstairs for the interns... :)... and in the mean time, i will still be working my regular 40-hour a week job and working with the youth at the church that God will show me in the next few months... so that's what i see... and hope expectantly for...
okay - so that's it for now... i'm kind of taking my last few days "off" to be a bum... wear jeans and sweatshirts and do nothing all day - these days are limited... but it'll be great on the other side of it, too...
Oct 23, 2004
points...
600 points to amy - for getting the right answer to the quote... and 100 points for tv show... by the way, i totally knew that's what you were going to put... i knew it...
marie - 100 points for tv show - and i also knew you were going to put that - i was trying to think of options - like multiple choice and i thought, "freaks and geeks - so amy... my so-called life - so marie..." - crazy huh??? i haven't seen amelie but i've heard it's awesome... i'll see it eventually...
chad - honorary 500 points for the quote - and 100 points for the tv show... only because i knew you would have known it - and because i'm feeling generous...
my answer - i'm thinking unsolved mysteries (i read that in your email, amy - i hated that show, too...) or the brady bunch or the partridge family - that's the way i feel at home... maybe seinfeld - a show about nothing... maybe that's what i'll stick with...
so current point values are as follows...
5200 points for amy
1600 points for chad
500 points for stacey
100 points for marie
marie - 100 points for tv show - and i also knew you were going to put that - i was trying to think of options - like multiple choice and i thought, "freaks and geeks - so amy... my so-called life - so marie..." - crazy huh??? i haven't seen amelie but i've heard it's awesome... i'll see it eventually...
chad - honorary 500 points for the quote - and 100 points for the tv show... only because i knew you would have known it - and because i'm feeling generous...
my answer - i'm thinking unsolved mysteries (i read that in your email, amy - i hated that show, too...) or the brady bunch or the partridge family - that's the way i feel at home... maybe seinfeld - a show about nothing... maybe that's what i'll stick with...
so current point values are as follows...
5200 points for amy
1600 points for chad
500 points for stacey
100 points for marie
it's now official...
so at one point in college, i had these three best friends... we all loved canadian bacon and pineapple pizza... two of the girls were roommates in an apartment - and the other one of them lived with them during the summers... one was my accountability partner, one worked with me and we had tons of fun together, and the other lived down the hall from me in the dorm and we spent many a late night hanging out... so i loved these girls... we "decorated" my brother's car one night - which remains to be one of my fondest memories from college... the entire car FULL of crumpled up newspaper - one of the girls' parents saved newspapers for us for weeks, maybe months... and shoe polished the windows... it was lovely... then, there were several occasions where any number of us would sit around and laugh and laugh and laugh... good times, right???
so, there was this one time - we all went out to eat at mcalister's (yum - one of my favorite places - but it's only in the south)... all of us were single at the time (two had boyfriends, i think) - and we were talking about what we thought the time length would be for us to date, marry and have kids... for example, lee ann would date for 5 years (she had already been dating for 3 or 4 at the time), get engaged and then get married 9 months later... anyway - so we made these "predictions" about how and when all of this would take place... (i guess you probably already know where this is going...) - so lee ann dated joseph for 5 years (i think... about), got engaged and got married last december (where i got to be a cranberry-red dress wearing bridesmaid)... and patti dated corky for about a year, got engaged a couple of weeks ago and is getting married in june (where i get to be a banana-yellow dress wearing bridesmaid)... and i just found out that kali, who has been dating nathan for a couple of years (or more, maybe) got engaged a couple of days ago and will be getting married sometime... we haven't really kept in touch all that well - i don't know if i'll even be invited to the wedding - but at least i don't have to wear some food-color bridesmaid dress again - the whole "always a bridesmaid, never a bride thing sucks...")
so, as i sat there in mcalister's that day - i never dreamed i would be the last one... never... i guess someone had to be the last one - but the reality hit home today in a squid in your face kind of way... and honestly, i wouldn't make different choices had i the choices to make over again... not a chance... i'd screw it up even more than i already have, i'm sure!!!
so, there was this one time - we all went out to eat at mcalister's (yum - one of my favorite places - but it's only in the south)... all of us were single at the time (two had boyfriends, i think) - and we were talking about what we thought the time length would be for us to date, marry and have kids... for example, lee ann would date for 5 years (she had already been dating for 3 or 4 at the time), get engaged and then get married 9 months later... anyway - so we made these "predictions" about how and when all of this would take place... (i guess you probably already know where this is going...) - so lee ann dated joseph for 5 years (i think... about), got engaged and got married last december (where i got to be a cranberry-red dress wearing bridesmaid)... and patti dated corky for about a year, got engaged a couple of weeks ago and is getting married in june (where i get to be a banana-yellow dress wearing bridesmaid)... and i just found out that kali, who has been dating nathan for a couple of years (or more, maybe) got engaged a couple of days ago and will be getting married sometime... we haven't really kept in touch all that well - i don't know if i'll even be invited to the wedding - but at least i don't have to wear some food-color bridesmaid dress again - the whole "always a bridesmaid, never a bride thing sucks...")
so, as i sat there in mcalister's that day - i never dreamed i would be the last one... never... i guess someone had to be the last one - but the reality hit home today in a squid in your face kind of way... and honestly, i wouldn't make different choices had i the choices to make over again... not a chance... i'd screw it up even more than i already have, i'm sure!!!
Oct 22, 2004
rqotd...
i don't have anything worthwhile to post - and i don't have a top 5 yet today... so... i'm going to post a random question of the day - and maybe, if you're lucky, a random quote of the day - fun how those both have the same initials...
Random Question of the Day: Anyone who answers gets 100 points... just for playing along...
if your life were a tv show, which tv show would it be?
Random Quote of the Day: 500 points...
This is not over. I'm not putting a period at the end of anything. I'm putting like... an ellipses on it.
(ellipses are (is it plural?) my favorite punctuation... )
Random Question of the Day: Anyone who answers gets 100 points... just for playing along...
if your life were a tv show, which tv show would it be?
Random Quote of the Day: 500 points...
This is not over. I'm not putting a period at the end of anything. I'm putting like... an ellipses on it.
(ellipses are (is it plural?) my favorite punctuation... )
Oct 21, 2004
my top five...
i don't have anything overly meaningful to blog about today... so i'm going to list my top 5 things to be happy about/thankful for today...
1) the red sox won - they're in... and the cardinals won... (and i actually got to see the cardinals win... now... if the cardinals can win game 7 - i'll be down with whoever wins the series...
2) i got a phone call from a friend from school and i have a quasi-meeting with him tomorrow about a job...
3) i got a lot of work done today at the library - so tomorrow should be easy-breezy...
4) only 13 days until amy comes to visit - and i got an email/comment from marie - and she wants to come visit (and we're thinking january) - which means a visitor in november, 2 in december (mom and louis) and one in january... who's coming in february?? :)
5) it's almost the end of the day... i'm about to not study for the midterms i have to take tomorrow... and go home and go to bed... which i think will be great for me!!!
1) the red sox won - they're in... and the cardinals won... (and i actually got to see the cardinals win... now... if the cardinals can win game 7 - i'll be down with whoever wins the series...
2) i got a phone call from a friend from school and i have a quasi-meeting with him tomorrow about a job...
3) i got a lot of work done today at the library - so tomorrow should be easy-breezy...
4) only 13 days until amy comes to visit - and i got an email/comment from marie - and she wants to come visit (and we're thinking january) - which means a visitor in november, 2 in december (mom and louis) and one in january... who's coming in february?? :)
5) it's almost the end of the day... i'm about to not study for the midterms i have to take tomorrow... and go home and go to bed... which i think will be great for me!!!
Oct 19, 2004
visitors...
okay... so i'm totally excited!!!!
amy is coming to visit in two weeks!!!! "two weeks... hooray hooray..." - that's a movie quote, by the way...
and...
my mom and brother are coming to visit in deceber (about a month and two weeks)... hooray!!!
my cup runneth over...
they will be the first people from "home" to see what my life is like here... and that brings me a ton of encouragement... and a lot of excitement... (exciting is the most overused descriptive word, by the way - but this is actually really exciting...)
okay, so i need to start working... but YEA!!!!
amy is coming to visit in two weeks!!!! "two weeks... hooray hooray..." - that's a movie quote, by the way...
and...
my mom and brother are coming to visit in deceber (about a month and two weeks)... hooray!!!
my cup runneth over...
they will be the first people from "home" to see what my life is like here... and that brings me a ton of encouragement... and a lot of excitement... (exciting is the most overused descriptive word, by the way - but this is actually really exciting...)
okay, so i need to start working... but YEA!!!!
Oct 18, 2004
"i can't figure it all out tonight, sir, so i'm just gonna hang with your daughter" or welcome to my life or i go to seminary, not community college.
so i have been given a hard time by a couple of people about not posting anything lately... whatever... so i decided to sit down and write tonight... so here it is... beware - it's long and involving...
okay, so last week at school, i was already kind of feeling behind... i heard in college (thanks arliss), that the habits you keep during the first three weeks of school determine how the entire school year will go... knowing this, i did what any normal seminary student would do... didn't practice the best study habits and procrastinated even on the earliest easiest assignments... (i did really well the first week... and then... well...)
so it's kind of caught up with me a bit, and now it's (past) mid-october, and things are getting crazier... i picked up this second job at the library at school, thinking it would balance my hours out, and my income would be a bit more consistent... and somehow THE MAN knows... meaning, my manager at my other job - i don't know how - she has a way of picking the worst hours for me - and piling them on during the wrong weeks... i have my own theories about this, which will remain silent for now...
so... the last couple of weeks, i've worked about 30 hours... sometimes 25 - sometimes 32... somewhere in there... but the way my availability is set up, the hours are way more demanding... here's what happened last week... i had school on monday/tuesday... then i worked 8 hours on wednesday (2pm - 1030pm)... when i got to work on wednesday, i realized i had been scheduled for thursday (8 more hours)... then i was scheduled for friday (8 more hours) and saturday, i was originally scheduled for 5, but covered for another girl (8 hours)... then the schedule for this week was up - sunday (8 more hours)... so altogether, i worked 40 hours at one job from wednesday to sunday... then i had a few library hours here and there... i realize 40 hours in 5 days is not a big deal... i realize that most americans keep this schedule on a very regular basis... my problem is 1) not being used to that many hours in that many days, 2) being in graduate school, 3) having a second job, 4) not being aware of extra hours added on... 5) the hours of my job - usually 2-1030 or 11...
there's more... i was so tired of being at work yesterday, i was pretty much dragging... with a bad attitude... i didn't want to be there... wanted to go home... didn't want to think about the homework that was looming overhead... and my framing manager says to me... "but you have tomorrow off..." what? are you kidding me??? i looked at her and said, "do you realize i'm in graduate school, not community college? i have 9 hours of class tomorrow, along with 3 hours of work at my other job, 2 midterms this week and a paper due???" and then i had to go on to explain to her the difference between graduate school and community college... (nothing against people in community colleges...)
so, i was already kind of frustrated, worn out last night... i came up to my office to work on my paper, and after wrestling with it for a while, i decided to drop that class... i don't really like it anyway, and i thought i'd be a lot better off... so, paper unwritten, i headed home and went to bed... i got to school this morning and told the secretary that i wanted to drop a class, and she informs me that it's too late to drop a class, and that i can't drop without failing... bad idea... so i don't have an option... i also don't have a paper...
at this point, i'm really frustrated, extremely exhausted (not sleepy, just weary), and highly emotional... i went to my first class (pastoral counseling) and didn't make it too long before i was crying... not just a tear here and there... crying... i hate crying at school... most of the people i go to school with are men... (i almost typed, "most of the guys i go to school with are male." - i said that once at work, and then, realizing what i was saying, had to laugh) i have decided that there are few other things that can make a man more uncomfortable than seeing a woman cry... especially when 1) the guys don't know what's wrong or can't fix it... or 2) when the woman can't explain it... and i hate putting guys in that position... so... someone asked me what was wrong, and i said something about 40 hours and began to explain about my weekend and he just said, "you'll get no violins from me..." - and he was making a joke... but it really kind of hurt my feelings... we ended up talking about it... and it's all good now... poor guy - more about this - i'll get back to it in a second...
the reason i think i was crying in class is because all of my classes are about ministry - and we talk about using principles learned in class in our ministry setting - and i don't really have one - so it leaves me sitting there thinking, "why am i in seminary? what am i doing?" and it makes me want to drop out and run away...
so i called amy and just started crying all over again... like i was trying to be all normal... and then i lost it... just lost it... and amy's great to listen to me vent... no - she doesn't always have the answers... i never do, either... but sometimes there aren't any answers... maybe sometimes all that we can offer are ears... and amy's good to lend ears and shoulders - and friendship... okay - this is what just came to my mind - the scene from forrest gump where forrest takes jenny to her old house and she's throwing rocks at the house... "sometimes there just aren't enough rocks..." - anyway - no real point - but what a great scene... random...
and then i got a random phone call in the middle of the day that made me smile... definitely took my mind off the crap at school... :)...
anyway - so i was talking to this guy jason at school... and this is probably the heart of the matter... in talking with jason - after talking to the other guy (violin guy) - i realized i don't really have a support system in the northwest... what gets me is most of the people at school have spouses... so yes, they wear a ton of hats... they work 40 hours a week, have full-time ministry, and whatever... i'm sure they do more than me... here's the difference... they have a support system - if nothing else, they have a spouse - a partner in the journey... someone who understands at least a little what they're going through - someone who they can be real with and share everything with and vent to... a partner... i don't... i don't even have a church, currently... so my support system here is pretty much nonexistent to me... and that's why i think i'm getting so worn out... i feel alone in the journey - i don't like the way that feels... and i don't think my friends back home understand... i talked to one of my friends last night... and she said, "but robyn, you're having so much fun... you have tons of friends..." - too bad it's not like college - i don't have a ton of friends... i'm not having "so much fun..." i mean, i do have fun - i create my own fun, most of the time... but i'm not really all that happy... okay, i should quit whining about it... this is just how i feel...
okay, so last week at school, i was already kind of feeling behind... i heard in college (thanks arliss), that the habits you keep during the first three weeks of school determine how the entire school year will go... knowing this, i did what any normal seminary student would do... didn't practice the best study habits and procrastinated even on the earliest easiest assignments... (i did really well the first week... and then... well...)
so it's kind of caught up with me a bit, and now it's (past) mid-october, and things are getting crazier... i picked up this second job at the library at school, thinking it would balance my hours out, and my income would be a bit more consistent... and somehow THE MAN knows... meaning, my manager at my other job - i don't know how - she has a way of picking the worst hours for me - and piling them on during the wrong weeks... i have my own theories about this, which will remain silent for now...
so... the last couple of weeks, i've worked about 30 hours... sometimes 25 - sometimes 32... somewhere in there... but the way my availability is set up, the hours are way more demanding... here's what happened last week... i had school on monday/tuesday... then i worked 8 hours on wednesday (2pm - 1030pm)... when i got to work on wednesday, i realized i had been scheduled for thursday (8 more hours)... then i was scheduled for friday (8 more hours) and saturday, i was originally scheduled for 5, but covered for another girl (8 hours)... then the schedule for this week was up - sunday (8 more hours)... so altogether, i worked 40 hours at one job from wednesday to sunday... then i had a few library hours here and there... i realize 40 hours in 5 days is not a big deal... i realize that most americans keep this schedule on a very regular basis... my problem is 1) not being used to that many hours in that many days, 2) being in graduate school, 3) having a second job, 4) not being aware of extra hours added on... 5) the hours of my job - usually 2-1030 or 11...
there's more... i was so tired of being at work yesterday, i was pretty much dragging... with a bad attitude... i didn't want to be there... wanted to go home... didn't want to think about the homework that was looming overhead... and my framing manager says to me... "but you have tomorrow off..." what? are you kidding me??? i looked at her and said, "do you realize i'm in graduate school, not community college? i have 9 hours of class tomorrow, along with 3 hours of work at my other job, 2 midterms this week and a paper due???" and then i had to go on to explain to her the difference between graduate school and community college... (nothing against people in community colleges...)
so, i was already kind of frustrated, worn out last night... i came up to my office to work on my paper, and after wrestling with it for a while, i decided to drop that class... i don't really like it anyway, and i thought i'd be a lot better off... so, paper unwritten, i headed home and went to bed... i got to school this morning and told the secretary that i wanted to drop a class, and she informs me that it's too late to drop a class, and that i can't drop without failing... bad idea... so i don't have an option... i also don't have a paper...
at this point, i'm really frustrated, extremely exhausted (not sleepy, just weary), and highly emotional... i went to my first class (pastoral counseling) and didn't make it too long before i was crying... not just a tear here and there... crying... i hate crying at school... most of the people i go to school with are men... (i almost typed, "most of the guys i go to school with are male." - i said that once at work, and then, realizing what i was saying, had to laugh) i have decided that there are few other things that can make a man more uncomfortable than seeing a woman cry... especially when 1) the guys don't know what's wrong or can't fix it... or 2) when the woman can't explain it... and i hate putting guys in that position... so... someone asked me what was wrong, and i said something about 40 hours and began to explain about my weekend and he just said, "you'll get no violins from me..." - and he was making a joke... but it really kind of hurt my feelings... we ended up talking about it... and it's all good now... poor guy - more about this - i'll get back to it in a second...
the reason i think i was crying in class is because all of my classes are about ministry - and we talk about using principles learned in class in our ministry setting - and i don't really have one - so it leaves me sitting there thinking, "why am i in seminary? what am i doing?" and it makes me want to drop out and run away...
so i called amy and just started crying all over again... like i was trying to be all normal... and then i lost it... just lost it... and amy's great to listen to me vent... no - she doesn't always have the answers... i never do, either... but sometimes there aren't any answers... maybe sometimes all that we can offer are ears... and amy's good to lend ears and shoulders - and friendship... okay - this is what just came to my mind - the scene from forrest gump where forrest takes jenny to her old house and she's throwing rocks at the house... "sometimes there just aren't enough rocks..." - anyway - no real point - but what a great scene... random...
and then i got a random phone call in the middle of the day that made me smile... definitely took my mind off the crap at school... :)...
anyway - so i was talking to this guy jason at school... and this is probably the heart of the matter... in talking with jason - after talking to the other guy (violin guy) - i realized i don't really have a support system in the northwest... what gets me is most of the people at school have spouses... so yes, they wear a ton of hats... they work 40 hours a week, have full-time ministry, and whatever... i'm sure they do more than me... here's the difference... they have a support system - if nothing else, they have a spouse - a partner in the journey... someone who understands at least a little what they're going through - someone who they can be real with and share everything with and vent to... a partner... i don't... i don't even have a church, currently... so my support system here is pretty much nonexistent to me... and that's why i think i'm getting so worn out... i feel alone in the journey - i don't like the way that feels... and i don't think my friends back home understand... i talked to one of my friends last night... and she said, "but robyn, you're having so much fun... you have tons of friends..." - too bad it's not like college - i don't have a ton of friends... i'm not having "so much fun..." i mean, i do have fun - i create my own fun, most of the time... but i'm not really all that happy... okay, i should quit whining about it... this is just how i feel...
procrastination...
i think it might actually be my middle name... okay, so it's not - but i practice it often... i'm supposed to be working on a book review, but when i found out it was not to exceed 5 pages, i thought, "five pages... that's nothing... i'll do it in a minute..." in the mean time, i've found out a few things...
boston is up 6-4 in the bottom of the 12th... thanks, espn.com - i'm excited that the red sox pulled this one out... the screen just reloaded - it's official...
i have the same birthday as the following people... there are others, but these are the most exciting to me... i already knew about oprah...
jason james richter - the star of the free willy movies and never ending story III - we have the exact same birthday - same year... (that's why he's first)
andrew keegan
sara gilbert
heather graham
edward burns
greg louganis
oprah winfrey
ann jillian
tom selleck
w.c. fields
and the following people got married on my birthday (not to each other)...
christian bale (side note - his birthday is the day after mine)
stevie nicks
paul newman
i'm thinking (right now) about dropping my preaching class... i'm a little bit behind... i've missed the last two assignments for my sermon preparation - and i don't have a date lined up to preach outside of class - and the book review i'm supposed to be working on is for that class... and i don't think the semester will get any better - it's my monday night class, so it tends to get the least amount of attention - plus i don't really like the class... but i've made it through two months - two to go... if i drop it, i'll still be full time, and it won't cause me to graduate any later... (have i already talked myself into dropping it??) hmmm.... we'll see...
for now, i'm going to go home and go to bed... i'll take the book with me and decide at home...
boston is up 6-4 in the bottom of the 12th... thanks, espn.com - i'm excited that the red sox pulled this one out... the screen just reloaded - it's official...
i have the same birthday as the following people... there are others, but these are the most exciting to me... i already knew about oprah...
jason james richter - the star of the free willy movies and never ending story III - we have the exact same birthday - same year... (that's why he's first)
andrew keegan
sara gilbert
heather graham
edward burns
greg louganis
oprah winfrey
ann jillian
tom selleck
w.c. fields
and the following people got married on my birthday (not to each other)...
christian bale (side note - his birthday is the day after mine)
stevie nicks
paul newman
i'm thinking (right now) about dropping my preaching class... i'm a little bit behind... i've missed the last two assignments for my sermon preparation - and i don't have a date lined up to preach outside of class - and the book review i'm supposed to be working on is for that class... and i don't think the semester will get any better - it's my monday night class, so it tends to get the least amount of attention - plus i don't really like the class... but i've made it through two months - two to go... if i drop it, i'll still be full time, and it won't cause me to graduate any later... (have i already talked myself into dropping it??) hmmm.... we'll see...
for now, i'm going to go home and go to bed... i'll take the book with me and decide at home...
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